So this is what it feels like....I've been wondering when it was going to hit me

It has been brought to my attention several times today how much I am going to miss my family.

I was sitting with my brother....when out of nowhere tears started to sprout out of my eyelids. I covered it up and walked away for a second. The only thing I could think to do was blog.

I had a really good day today. It was with the people I love the most on this Earth. There is nothing in this or any other lifetime I wouldn't do for them. Without them I would never have gotten through losing my mom. I can count on them for understanding, love, and most of all....the ability to bring humor to any situation.

I could rattle off all the things I am going to miss about them. I could rattle off the countless other things I won't miss about them.

I'm obviously not going to do that. I am going to say that I will miss them every day. Absolutely every day I breathe while I am away from them I will miss the absolute crap out of them.

I feel so happy to have a family like the one I have. I feel so grateful to have them. I'm so excited to "leave the nest". They are so supportive and it's going so smoothly...I know it is time. I just feel so damn sad and it just decided to hit me after a wonderful day out with my family.

I think I have been okay because I know they are going to be in Ireland two weeks after I get to England. We have had this Ireland trip planned for awhile now and I just always look to that. I don't even want to know what my emotions will be like after Dublin. I don't even want to know....because just thinking about it gives me anxiety and brings me to tears.

Tonight I realized that this week coming up will be a lot of goodbyes. I'm selling my truck Monday. Every time I look at it I almost cry. I love that truck. Lots of fun times. I have a good bye party tomorrow where I say good bye to my extended family. That's going to be cry fest 2012. Every week I meet up with the ladies and we hang out. I have to say good bye there too. I have to say good bye to my best friend of 25 years at the airport (because she insists). Good bye, good bye, good bye....to everything.

I know it's not forever. I know I will see everyone again. I know by moving to another country my eyes will be opened. I'll love having a place of my own and I will love being there. I just fucking hate change. It's apparent in the fact that I have pretty much done a variation or something similar of the same thing for the last 12 years. I got sick of people asking me what was new and I had nothing new to say. I found myself repeating "same shit, different day" over and over and over again. I knew this day was coming. I wanted this day to come. I've thought about this day. Wondered what it would be like and now it is here....

You are actually leaving. You are moving. In a week I will be sitting around a fire in the back yard with the people I love. It will be my last night living in my house. I'm totally tripping. 

You know, five years ago, this couldn't come soon enough. I was so frustrated because I couldn't get us moving and out of the house. Now I'm barreling towards it like a bullet train. Just slow down please. Just a little. I want 7 really long days. Really good long days with friends and family. I don't want to write this blog, post it, and then blink and have me standing in LAX.

Yes...that is how fast my life has been going lately.

My emotions are going to EXPLODE

How do I explain this the right way so that maybe you can kind of understand where I am coming from?

These past few weeks, as the day draws near for me to leave...I've noticed some things. 

First of all...I want to talk about the Disneyland trip I took last night. Never could I have picked a better group to go with to my last Disneyland trip for awhile (contrary to popular belief on facebook...I'm not dying and I will be back to enjoy Disneyland. Ahemmmm. Dramatic Jennifer Pratt).

I was so antsy all day to go. I was itching to be hanging out with those girls. I might have been twitching. I seriously put the mouse ears on a hundred times sitting at my desk. I probably got barely anything done too. Oh well...the business is still running right? Right. 

So we all meet up and we are on our way there and all of a sudden I get hit with a tear bomb. Like boom. Explosion. Jenny and Annie AND Mama Hobbs (aka Annie's mama) had all recorded something for me. They had hooked it up to the car and I could hear it on the speakers. Technology rocks. It started off with Annie talking about where she met me...of course saying some of the sweetest things ever...and then she sang me a song. It was beautiful. I had misted up but I'm not into the whole "sissy girl crying thing". I mean...don't get me wrong...I do it...but I like to think I have some balls. 

Then mama Hobbs came on and said some more sweet things. I mean seriously. That seriously was almost leaky tear duct time. She sang me a song too. Melt my heart. She's probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. In the absence of my mom I find comfort that my friends mom's do so well making me feel loved like I am their own. 

Then Jenny came on...as always...she was able to get me to laugh with her Jenny charm. No one makes me giggle like that. Ever. 

I was thinking about this all night last night. I had such a great time with my friends. I mean seriously (I have been saying seriously a lot in this post). I couldn't even ask for better friends. I'm starting to wonder if I will have close friends like this over in England. My anxiety level totally went up about 10 fold last night. 

I have facebook....I'm very regular on it. I will still have these close friendships but will only be able to see them when I am on vacation. I imagine that the distance will only make the times I see them better...but somehow I know this is what is going to make me homesick.

I have noticed that a lot of things get left up to me...."well you are leaving....so what do you want to do?"

It's awesome that I have friends like this. Friends that want me to experience all the things I am going to miss. Mostly the friends that have made an effort to go with me places. To experience the cool things I have been able to experience here. The ones that put their desire to do certain things on the back burner so I can fulfill the ones I want to do. 

Jenny has been awesome at this. She has made a list of things we needed to do before I leave. We've done just about all of them. I have had so much fun with her. My best friend is the BEST best friend I could EVER have. I'll never  have another one like her and thank god for skype. This way we can be ridiculous with each other no matter where we are on the globe. 

My dad has also made me cry quite a few times (I guess I made him cry too...but he will tell you it a bug in his eye). I don't know what it is about my daddy but he's the hardest one to leave. It's not like I don't think he will be taken care of...and it's not like I worry for him at all...not even in the slightest (maybe lose a few pounds while I'm gone so you can move around a bit better...ok, dad?). But my dad is probably one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet. He's very chilled out...he rarely puts his two cents in about the decisions I make...and he isn't over bearing and the tell you what to do type person. My dad is not only my dad...but has become a good friend. Someone I always enjoy being around. I know I will get homesick when I am sat in England on a Saturday or Sunday drinking a cup of coffee and reading the news or having breakfast. I like being able to walk out of my room and see my dad camped out at the kitchen counter with his coffee. I won't be able to do that and just thinking about it hurts my heart. I won't be able to make dinner for him either. Or to just get a hug from my one remaining parent. Again...my heart hurts just thinking about it. 

I just teared up writing that...Alex walked in and asked what was the matter with me. I of course told him I have something in my eye (I suppose like father, like daughter). Then we started talking more and waterworks just came. He's been really good and understanding about this whole thing. He knows me VERY well now and he expected this. He gives me a hug and it feels better. All I really need to survive is him. He's everything and that's why we are doing this. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm a bundle of emotions right now. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know keeping myself from crying is probably not the best thing. But I can't go the next 23 days crying and thinking about how I am going to say good bye to everyone. I can't go the next 23 days wondering if I think I am going to be happy in England....and really be miserable. I'm so nervous I can't even stand it. I know I am making the right move. I know it. But there's always a little nagging at the back of my mind. I like to be prepared for my emotions. Never. Going. To. Happen. 

Alex told  me that when I say good bye to Erin, Mike, and Dad in Dublin...that's going to be the worst part for me ever. I again started crying thinking about it. I will have to say good bye to my sister and wait 11 months til I see her again. I have to watch her take the reigns at Star West and worry if I set her up the right way to do this stuff. She's so smart and so funny and such a joy to be around and I  have no clue how it's going to be with out her with me every day. 

My brother isn't going to be a picnic to leave either.  I feel so blessed to be so close to my brother and sister. They are the best room mates I could have ever envisioned living with this long. They are also some of my closest and dearest friends. I know I have always loved them. I know from the minute I met them they were my babies too (obviously not literally my babies but they will always be baby brother and baby sister). When we lost our mom I just wanted to take care of them. Those two are the only ones who know what I am feeling when it comes to my mom. The only people in the world who know exactly who I am because they have known me their whole lives and I them. I have been told that when I leave...the house will be much quieter. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I know we all need to move on from this house at some point. I know we need to be separated to learn and grow more. This close and tight knit family unit we have built is going to be another thing that makes me homesick. 

I've never been homesick so I'm wondering what it feels like. It drives me mad not knowing how I am going to feel...if I am going to like where I live...if I will have close friends like I have here....how much I am going to cry when I say good bye to my family...I suppose these are all good things. People do this every day. They grow up...move on....and have a family life that is completely their own. I think the thing I struggle with the most is cutting the cord. I'm so attached to my family and love them so dearly I can't imagine not being in the next room if they need me...or if I need them. 

I'm a mess. In a good way...I think.... 

Susie Miss Always Changes Her Mind

As soon as I uttered the words I wondered what in the hell was wrong with me.

I have been packing up my whole life. I've read my old journals. One day my kid is going to read those and think of what a hot mess I was in my adolescent years. Oh the love and the angst that pours out in those journals are sure to be a good read for anyone who ends up finding them and reading my deepest darkest thoughts.

One of the journals I found was a journal my mom originally gave to my dad. He never wrote in it. She gave it to me. On the front it has a map. I've always been obsessed with maps and being anywhere but where I am. The cover of the journal has a huge star on top of Europe. Since I can remember it has been my mission to see it all. It even says in my kiddie writing I want to travel all over "Euroupe". Yes...that is how I spelled it. LOL.

After reading through and pondering my life I started to wonder if I wanted kids as soon as I said I wanted them. This whole time I've been thinking we would get to England. Alex would get a job. We'd get our own house and then the babies would come. Hell...I've been telling everyone that after April 2013 we are going to start trying.

Alex and I were in the car today and I told him I was thinking about holding off on kids. For Alex, he doesn't care if we have them or not. It's not that he doesn't want them...he's just not a woman and thinks incessantly about them like me. I want to hold off on kids because I want to travel. I want to travel A LOT. I want to go to the places that I don't want to take my kids to. Sure I could take them every where with me. And I'm sure it would be a lot of fun. But can I go wine tasting in Spain with a baby in tow? Could I go and galavant around Paris...drink wine in a cafe...OD on cheese and croissants and have a blissful time like I imagined with a kid with me? Could I go to Oktoberfest and drink copious amounts of beer and get so sick on sausages that I ralph? How about that white sandy beach vacation I have planned in Fiji? A quiet long weekend in the Alps? This could take years to do all these things. My uterus doesn't have years. It could possibly go on for 10 more years but then...do I really want a baby at 40? My energy level is already lower than it used to be. At 40...I imagine I'd be struggling to keep up with them.

The awesome thing about my mom was that she was so young when she had us. She was always so playful and we were always doing tons of fun things with her. She didn't seem to mind that she never left the country. She didn't seem to mind that she never got to go to Italy like she dreamed about. She told me once that the only thing she ever wanted was her own house (she got that), 3 kids (she got that), and to own her own business (she got that as well). I can't imagine only wanting those three things and being satisfied with that. Although I share the same sentiments... I've always wanted my own house and kids...and lately I keep formulating my own business in my mind. I must be a lot more like my mom than I thought.

I suppose there is never the perfect time to have kids. Everyone keeps telling me that. But I don't want to miss key alone time moments with my husband. I mean seriously...for 5 years of our married life...we've been sharing a house with 3 other people. The past 2 years we have been sharing it with 4 other people. When we move to England we will have more privacy. We will get some alone time. But I want alone time vacationing with my husband.

The only way for me to settle this is to let fate decide. I'm still going to start trying to have kids in April. If they come along right away then that's just great. If they don't come along right away...I will take it as a sign and go and do some travelling. I can wine taste with a baby strapped to my chest. I can oktoberfest when they are older. I can go to Fiji and leave the kid with their Gran or their Auntie. My kids are going to travel and travel lots.

I've noticed that you don't really plan your life. It's been kinda planned for you. Some of you may think this is insane but I honestly believe that things happen the way they happen for a reason. I've learned this even more so in the time leading up to the move. When everything falls into place...it's right. So if the job comes for Alex....the house comes....and then a baby....it's meant to be. For now...I think I might just let go of my crazy need to plan and control it all and just go with the flow. Whatcha got for me fate?

My great expectations

I'm almost sure it's not going to be anything like expect it to be. I'm actually banking on it. 


I suppose I should say what I expect it is going to be like before I go. This way I can look back and be like...honey...you didn't have a clue...or maybe I did...who knows? I guess we will find out. 


*I expect to be walking or taking a bus every where. I know we are only going to have one car and me on the other side of the road right off the bat is NOT going to fly.


*I expect to not be doing anything work related (besides design work) for at least 6 months if not more. I also suspect I might actually miss Star West and working with my crew. 


*I expect to miss my food here. Especially Mexican.


*I expect to make lots of friends. (After the blog I read though...it seems to me that English women do not warm to Americans as well as I thought they would) This could be quite different than what I read in the "She's not from Yorkshire" blog. Village life could be entirely different. 


*I expect to feel like I am on vacation. Then...like a time bomb...it will hit me that I am no longer on vacation and I actually live there. I expect to be ridiculously California homesick. Especially in winter. I also expect to be homesick on Thanksgiving. I expect to miss every person I spend so much time with here. 


*I expect to be on my own for a great deal of time while Alex is working. I expect my midget sister to take good care of me and keep me occupied with my nieces. 


*I expect care packages from my dad. He knows what's up. I'll get all kinds of goodies. I'm hoping I don't miss a thing because of this.


*I expect to be freezing. I expect little light in winter and ample light in summer.


*I expect that I will be happy. I expect that I will grow and learn with this new adventure. I expect nothing more from broadening my horizons. 


*I expect that my husband will be all the comfort and security I could possibly need in his country as he did with me. 


*I expect to have a house and start on a kid by the end of April 2013. 


*I expect to travel all around Europe. Not right away obviously...but over time...the point is to see it all. 


*I expect Alex to want to eat tea at his mom's house a couple of nights a week and completely abandon me on Sundays to go to his auntie Min's for some alone time.




I'll come back with more I am sure. This great expectations post is a work in progress. 

The promise wasn't really to her so much as it was a promise to me...

How did it go from 8 months to almost 11 weeks?

SQUEALS!

I have been getting my stuff together here at Star West. I'm not as nervous about leaving it anymore. I don't feel too much stress in this department...I'm not sure what changed.

With my computer going out I suppose that might have been a nice fire to light under my ass. It made me unable to enter orders normally or  to digitize any of the designs that came in. It only left me with a few options and hyper organizational mode set in. (Obviously not happening now...I'm blogging...haha)

My sister is going to replace me. I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am about this. I think she will do a really fantastic job. I'm pretty sure that once she gets the hang of it...she will be better than me. I am in the middle of organizing and making manuals. I'm removing all my stuff from the office. I'm actually having fun being here. Is it because the end is in sight and ultimately I'm going to miss this job?

I've learned a lot from Star West in the past 11 and a half years that I have been here. For the last 7 of them Star West has been a constant in my head. I don't know why I felt it was important to promise my mom that I would never let her hard work at Star West go to waste. I don't even know why I felt it was important to keep that promise. I don't think she would care either way. I suppose I could have left right after she died.

I'm glad I didn't. I stuck around. I got to work with my family with out my mom. I had to learn to deal with them on my own. I had to learn how to make patterns. I had  to run out and do deliveries. I had to learn how to work full time....go to school...and still find time for a social life. I had to learn how to have a new boss and take what experience I had and give it to him. I learned that it is not easy having your own business at all (thankfully it's not mine). It's a struggle and you have to work VERY hard to keep it going. Especially in this economy. I had to learn how to digitize. How to become an accountant...I had to learn to manage the whole thing. All by myself. Which is what is happening now. My boss is out every day. I'm here. My crew and I are Star West.

Star West made me more confident in myself and my decisions. Star West taught me a bunch of things I never knew I would learn. I know I am going to leave this place knowing I have done everything in my power to make Star West what it is today. It's miles better than it used to be. I have blood, sweat, and tears in this thing (literally). I promised my mom her hard work wouldn't go to waste. What I really think I ended up promising myself was the chance to grow up and learn some crucial life lessons.

My gramma and I were chatting the other day about leaving. She was talking about a going away party and how we were going to have a brunch or something before we left. I told her I know I'm probably going to be crying the whole time. She told me that I could not cry as much as her when she left Chicago. She said everyone made her cry. She was crying on the plane. She was crying when she got off the plane.

She informed me that she was very attached to her mom. She said it took her mom dying for her to grow up. I looked at her and for what seemed like the first time in a long time we absolutely understood each other. We knew exactly how the other one was feeling.

I don't want a going away party...I don't want to cry. Maybe I won't. I want this move to feel like I've left on a vacation. A VERY long vacation. I want to feel like I bought a vacation house. I want to have a baby on vacation (LOL). I'm very excited for this period in my life.

I suppose I can't mention the move with out talking about my husband. Obviously he is the only reason why I would move to England. People ask me why I'm moving there.... Why on earth would you leave Cali for England? I think we can all agree that Cali is amazing weather wise. The food isn't shabby either. It's the cost of living that sucks the damn life out of you. People could probably argue that it would be the same in England. But I think what's different is the different pace of life that I'm looking forward to.

I'm going to push the little minute details out of the way and let you know for real why I'm moving there.

I met my husband in a pub. There was a connection for sure (obviously). One of the nights I looked at him right in the eyes and I barely knew him...didn't know anything really about him except he was Alex...he had no hair...and he was English...and I saw him in the pub...A LOT hahah...I knew there was something about him. I'm telling you...it sure as hell felt like love at first sight. The last night I was there I cried because I didn't want to leave him. He asked me to stay.

Obviously I was right. It was special. Special enough for me to marry him. Special enough for him to give up his life in England for 5 years. He sold his beloved car for me. He left his niece and missed the other one being born for me. He's missed his family for me. He sat at home for 4 years doing the dishes, the laundry, cleaning up...for me. All because I couldn't let Star West go. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm not going to pretend like he doesn't drive me nuts though and wish for a shot gun to the head daily. hahaha.

I don't worry about moving over there because I know we will take care of each other. I don't worry about any of it...mostly because we have lived as a married couple for 5 years amongst my family and the things I am comfortable with. We have fought. We have laughed. There were times I wasn't too sure we'd hang on as well as we did. I'm so glad things didn't work out the way I thought they would. Otherwise...they wouldn't be what they are.

I'm happy, I'm in love, and I'm about to go on the biggest adventure of my life.

I don't even know what it feels like to be living anywhere else...

Ever since last week when I announced that it was 15 weeks until D-Day (Departure Day) I have been thoroughly tripping.

Not only do I have an active countdown now....but I actually have to come to terms with leaving everything I know. I've seen plenty of people do it....but now...at 29 years of age...I feel like 5 year old...part of me just wants to sit in a corner with my thumb in my mouth and cuddle my blankie until this is all over.

I know people who have left their families and moved to an entirely different country. I got people on my Facebook in Spain, England, and Sweden. I have people moseying around the globe and experiencing what Earth has to offer. I've seen these people have babies and watch their life grow in other countries. I know it can be done...

Why am I having such a hard time with this? I don't even want a going away party for fear I might be a total wreck through the whole thing. I don't know why I am acting like its the early 1900's....like I can't ever see my family again once I make the move to another country. I come from a long line of migratory people. My great gramma was from Luxembourg. She moved here with her sister and NEVER went back to see her family. My gramma Mitzi left Japan and traveled around the globe with her family (and hasn't gone back for a visit in years). Most of my family doesn't even live in the same state as they started out in. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I think it might be the fact that I thought I would never move any place else. I envisioned moseying around the globe and finding new and different spots. I envisioned visiting....never moving. I always thought I would live in California...be close to my family....have my children grow up with my brother and sisters children. I always thought I would spend holidays with them. I always thought my life would be so much different than it is. It's not a bad thing...it's just a life lesson...don't expect it to be one way...it won't...it will be better.

Moving to England has been the plan....it's been the plan since I met Alex over 7 years ago. Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to see what our family turns out like. I'm excited to see what my first house will look like. I'm excited to watch my nieces grow up and be there for more moments and try to make up for the ones I missed. I'm excited. But I am SCARED AS HELL.

I don't want to miss anybody. I don't want to feel sad when there is a moment I want to be around them and I can't. It's going to happen at one point. I'm not looking forward to it.

This is only going to make me a stronger person. And it's not like I don't already have plans to come back and visit less than a year later. I get to come home and it gets to be a vacation.

It's not like my brother or sister or Dad or anybody else won't come out and visit me. It's not like we can't meet in some totally different country and have adventures there. So I will say this again....WHY IS THIS SO HARD? Is it because I got a lot of shit to do before I go? Is it because I might actually miss being at work? Is it because I have some kind of a plan....but not really a plan? What is it about this? I've never wanted to do something so bad in my life but not want to do it just as bad.

Alex tells me it won't be so bad. It will feel like a vacation and not a move. He thinks I will be too interested in everything that is going on around me and all the places I get to explore that I won't even have time to realize I moved.

I hope he is right....we will see.

You know....you can have one of your very own too...

When are you going to have one? You should have one right now. I can't wait til you are. Looks good on you. Your turn. Is it time for baby yet?

All nice sentiments, and trust me, all greatly appreciated. Seriously. People want me to have joy and love and a family. It's awesome and I love every single person who says this stuff to me. It makes me feel happy and light and I look forward to my future. But, at the same time....I want to punch you. (Don't worry I won't. I'm far too good at giving a smile instead of a punch :)

I can't even remember a time where I didn't think about becoming a mom. I mean seriously...my biological clock must have been ticking since birth. I was born to be a mother. This I know for sure. Whether I am able to have one on my own...or if I adopt...I'm going to be a mother.

I trust my gut feeling more than anything else. With the move...it never seemed right to move anytime earlier. Now everything is falling into place. It all seems right now. I'm happy and I couldn't be more excited to move to a new environment and challenge myself with the challenges I know I am about to face.

Could you imagine living in the same house all your life and then moving to an entirely new country...WITH A BABY? With no place of your own...and absolutely no furniture...or beds...or a job?

Yikes...that never seemed appealing to me. If it happened would I be happy about it? Sure. Of course. It wouldn't be ideal...but it would still be joyous.

Ever since Farmey and I have been married we have barely been alone. We live in a house that is stuffed to the gills. We all get on each others nerves and we bitch about shit that doesn't get done. We get cranky living there...so much so to the point where we want each other to eff the eff off.  Before Alex got a job we barely had enough money for us to live comfortably...much less a baby.

From the get go, Al and I have both been two in one mind about this. We've both wanted to enjoy the time we had while we were young. We've both wanted to wait a bit in our marriage until we had some real stability. A real understanding of each other. We've both wanted a home of our own to bring our child home to. We've both (well mostly me) want the child to have its own nursery decked out in style (if its up to Al its white walls a crib and a curtain though. LOL).

The reason I don't have a baby is simple. My gut is telling me it is not time yet. My heart and my head? Well that's a different story. Certain times I go mental that I don't have one. Alex has restricted me from seeing any more babies. I go into this crazy state and tell him "That's it...pull your effing pants down...we are having a baby now." hahah Romantic right? Just how everyone wants to conceive a baby. The husband running scared and the wife crazily trying to molest him with her hormones. Every time someone else gets pregnant (holy crap...it's happening a lot lately :) I am going to admit...I'm totally jealous of you. Obviously not in a bad way. In the best way possible. When other people have babies I am over the moon...mostly because I get my fix when I get to hold them and love them. When a friend has a new baby it just cements the fact that holding, loving, caring, teaching, and having fun with a child is exactly where I want to be every day of my life. It's just not the time  yet. Alex knows it better than me...and he is my rock and the reminder to just be patient a little bit more.

It will be time soon. As soon as I get settled in England...it will happen. But for now...do me a favor and take it easy on my biological clock. It is ticking...and the sweet sentiments everyone so dearly wishes for me only make the ticking turn into a pounding sound. I'm genuinely trying to focus on my move and my marriage and some fun times my husband and I have ahead. We are going to spend some serious alone time. We are probably going to go on some fun little trips together. We are going to have fun looking around at houses and picking out the best one for us. We are going to find that  house and make a home for our future child/children. We are going to prep for a baby together and learn how to be just us as a family first. As soon as all that falls into place the baby will come too.

If you are my child/children and you are reading this in the future. I've day dreamed about you all of my life. I want to know what you are going to look like and who you are going to be. I want to kiss you and hold you and cuddle you and you aren't even you yet. My advice to you is to be more like your mom and less like your dad. :op Remember that! haha xo

Go with peace and love....

Last Thursday I learned that my Pa George was not doing well and that he wouldn't be with us much longer.

He was in the hospital and had a surgery. I guess he was doing bad, then good, then bad. He wasn't expected to live more than 24 hours on Thursday.

I do horribly with death. I went over there to see him. He was pretty out of it. More people started showing up and I had to get back to work. I meant to go by the next day. I didn't. Saturday I didn't go by. Sunday I didn't go by. Monday I didn't go by. Today I was driving down the road to make a delivery and I told myself...it's probably a good time to go by. After my delivery I pulled in.

I pull up and my Uncle Matt was looking somber. Gramma Pat had tears in her eyes. I walked in literally just after it had happened. I just had a gut feeling to go over there, unannounced, just show up. I get these gut feelings here and there and I always know its my mom telling me to do stuff.

I feel grateful that I had a gut feeling to go over there. I was able to have a second alone with him. I was able to wish him peace. Thank him for being my grandpa. I was also able to tell him to say hi to my mom for me. All while he was still warm. I told him I loved him.

I remember having a really good time with my grandparents at the Huntington Beach house while I was little. That is where my memory resides when I think of my grandparents. I also remember going to stay up with them with my sister in Modesto. We had a good time up there together. I remember him cooking outside. He loved to use lots of garlic. I am more than certain that is where I got it from when I add garlic to everything. When I got into the family business, I found, that as an adult, I seemed to butt heads with George a lot. Some how, being little and not knowing much about adult hood tends to make better memories. I'm not going to spout off what we disagreed on...or why I might not have spent more time with him as an adult...

What good does that do? It doesn't matter now. He was my grandpa. Didn't agree on everything but regardless of that I know we both still loved each other.

I will miss him calling the shop saying "Hi there, Lea(er)." He always put an r instead of an a sound.

I don't know how to feel right now. I'm sad for the loss. Mostly sad for the people who spent the most time with him. Especially his daughter Cathy. That was the hardest part was watching her walk in the room.

I struggle with being truly sad by this loss. He is not suffering any longer. He is at peace. He has no pain. He's with my mom. He just got to figure out what life really was all about. Thank you for the lessons I have learned because of you. Thank you for being my grandpa. Bless you Pa George, rest in total peace, you were and are loved. 

Drum Roll...Please...I finally blogged again.

I didn't blog in February. I thought about it a few times...but alas...it didn't happen.

February isn't typically a good month for me. I am always so entrenched in the fact that it is the month my mom passed away oh so many years ago. It never feels as long as it really is. And some how...I always think she is coming back. I get reminded in that month that I lost her. It some how makes the whole month kind of a blur and I'm not generally too happy.

Star West was a little slow. I have been running things on my own and that stresses me out. Dave is out and about trying to sell and that leaves me to do his jobs and my jobs. I have to juggle a lot of stuff and sometimes...I'm not too good at it. I start thinking of all the things I have to do to get this place ready for my departure. I start freaking out. How do you get 11 years of experience out of your head and onto paper so that somebody might be able to do it? I'll figure it out. So last months emotions + stress= crazy crazy Lea.

But...hey...GUESS WHAT? It's half way through March. And some good things have been happening.

Farmey and I have been able to save up quite a bit of cash (for us at least). We've been with out comfort in money for so long it's refreshing to know that when the opportunity arises and we gotta spend money...we have it...and its comfortable for us to do so.

Yesterday I did my usual troll of the internet to find flight deals. I have been looking since last year. Trying to feel out the costs of our move. I had seen tickets for $1500 for one way. That's per person. That significantly would have demolished our nest egg and left a very big bruise on my saving ego. Wait...its ours not mine. But for the purposes of the blog...you get the jist. (Still having a hard time saying "we" after 4 years and something something months...I blame it on independence. Alex loves to give me a hard time about it.)

Prices weren't looking affordable until yesterday when I so magically happened to find an $817 flight per person. I found that flying to London was our cheapest option. Alex told me to pull the rip cord and get it. I immediately got excited and started chanting "I'm moving to England! I'm moving to England!" Thank you Iceland Air for your affordability. You just made one of my 7 year long dreams come true. I fly August 12th. We go from LAX to Seattle. Seattle to Iceland (so cool never been there....not like I get to see past the airport though). Iceland to London. We will then take the tube to Kings Cross and hop a train to Hull. We are going to be up for more than 24 hours by the time we get to Hull. We are going to be cranky and tired and probably hungry. Our bags will probably get lost some how (because it's American Airlines that handles the first flight so I would NOT be surprised). You'd think I wouldn't be looking forward to this journey so much. But I am...

I look passed the impending crankiness...the tears I will probably have leaving some of the people I love the most...and the bickering that might ensue between me and Farmey...and I realize...that's our first trip starting our own lives together. Our own lives. Alone...well mostly...we will be living with his Dad til we get sorted...but we'd go from a house of 6 to a house of 3. Bliss. We've been waiting for this. Patiently, sometimes...and not so patiently, sometimes...(Alex has the patience of a saint..I have no such thing.).

So now...with a move date in sight...I got quite a bit of things to handle quickly and efficiently. Get Star West out of my brain and onto paper. Eliminate things I am not taking with me and pack up ones I will eventually take with me. I need to do some touch up's and spruce up's to my truck so I can sell it quickly and painlessly. I almost don't know where to start...but I am going to start this weekend in my room.

I also have a lot of things I have to do with friends before I go. I want to soak up each and every person here whenever and  however I can. What makes this move and the distance ok is the ability to skype, facebook, email, blog...god bless the invention of all these things that will help me keep in contact with my beloved peeps.

I have some fun things planned ahead:

Taking a train down to visit my wife Roho. Yes I have a wife. haha She's one of my best friends and if I was to marry a woman...she would be it. LOL. I am going down Easter weekend. We are going to eat sprinkles and go to the movies and have Easter breakfast at Sarah's sisters house.

Yosemite: My Earth Day weekend. Another glorious time with my wife (also a fellow geographer I might add). We are going to enjoy our last Earth Day together. I'd like to say there are going to be more of these Earth Day trips in the future. We will see where the road of life takes us on that one. But I'm gonna love it and live it like its my last one.

May, June, July will all be up in the air ready for fun and I can't wait.

Other things I am looking forward to...Ladies Day at the Races in England. I get there just in time for it. I guess we all get on a bus in our fancy get up (I GET TO WEAR A FANCY  HAT!!! I've been waiting for this!!!) We go to the races...drink...come back...have a buffet at the pub and then DRINK SOME MORE! This alone will make moving a bit better. I'm looking forward to spending time with the friends I already have there and the new friends I am going to meet there.

The life I imagined is beginning. And I couldn't be more excited. I feel like I'm so excited I could pee my own pants every minute.


More things to follow...stay tuned.

Let's discuss this for a few seconds...

Obviously this struck a chord with me.

I am Lea and I am in my comfort zone and I have been for about 11 years. 29 if you want to be exact.

We moved to my house when I was 3ish. I remember leaving our old house and being excited to see the new house. The only thing I can clearly remember from that day was being in the back of my mom's blue pick up truck. I looked out the window and saw a big tree. I was excited to be there and can remember it clearly.

Much has changed about that house since I've moved in. But it always feels and smells the same walking into it.  I feel happy to have some place that was built for me and my family with lots of love and hard work. It's warm. It has a bed. I am blessed.

There have been many times since I was 18 that I thought I wanted to move out. I thought I wanted to have my own place with a room mate...or wanted to get an apartment for just a bit here with Alex. It never seemed right. Home always seemed right and of course economical.

I am now currently trolling real estate in England trying to figure out where my next home is. Anxiety? A bit...yes....how did you guess?

I have been working since I was 11. Not like sweat shop working. But I have been making my own money since I was 11 years old. I started baby sitting. In the 8th grade I was able to make at least $700 bucks towards a trip to Hawaii with the Girl Scout troop I was in.

At 15 I got a job at the swap meet. Every weekend I would get up early and go to work and sell automotive accessories. I got cash every week and it was awesome.

I started working at Target when I was almost 17. I worked there for a year and did pretty much any job a 17 year old could do. They wanted me to be in charge of a department or something or they wanted to give me extra responsibility that I didn't want so I figured it was time to go.

It was at around 18 years old when I started working for Star West and have never stopped. I'm not going to bore you with what I have gone through with this company. I lost my mom 7 years ago and she was running it. That should give you a little clue in how hard still working here is. Now I run it. But...on the flip side...I know it like the back of my hand and I am comfortable with it. I am very good at my job and of course could always do a bit better.

I am now signed up to get notified for jobs that become available in England. When I move I won't have a job. It will be the first time in 18 years that I am not making any money and will be unemployed. Anxiety? A lot....how did you guess?

This is something I struggle with every day. The anxiety of leaving my comfort zone. I'm excited...but more nervous than anything. I know it is coming faster than I realize. I've always been confident in  myself but right now I feel very very uncomfortable. I feel like the jobs that come into my inbox that are available...are jobs that I wouldn't be able to do. It's been so long since I have had to interview for a job. I've never had to make a resume. What if I never get a job? What if they think I'm over qualified? Under qualified? What if they think my degree isn't good enough? What if? What if? WHAT IF?????

I know some how it will all work out. I know, some how, that even though I have kind of a plan...its not set in stone. That's been a struggle the last 4 years. I have a plan and it goes completely the wrong way and I get mad at the world about it. I've learned that a direction is better than a plan and I feel I am heading in the right direction. I just need to remind myself constantly to not freak out. I will head in the direction I want and let the adventure of life take me where ever it takes me. I have a  husband who loves me a hell of a lot. I have a supportive family unit over there. I have a supportive family unit here. No matter what happens I know I have that. Again...I am blessed.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Chi Chi Chi Chilly Chi-Town!

I suppose this blog could be a day to day and hour to hour account of what I did. I suppose I could tell you all the touristy things I saw. I suppose...if you are reading this...you have already checked out facebook and saw the insane amount of status reports I made. Picture overload I'd say...but hey...that's the beauty of facebook. I stream live 24/7 hahah. I don't need to bore you with all the details because I already did. I'll give you some summaries but I will bore you with the details of the bachelor party though but only because it has a point...LOL.

When I got to baggage claim...Kevin sneaks up behind me and starts talking. I immediately gave him the biggest hug. Then I looked at his face. It's not that he looks "old" its just that he looks older. More grown up. A little bit more peace in his face. He knows what he wants and loves what he has. If you ask me...Kevin looks great!

After we picked up Brian, settled into the hotel, ate some lunch...it was time to start getting ready for the bachelor party. I was ready before Farmey so I walked down the hall because all the boys were in the room pre gaming. I hadn't seen Ivan since my mom's memorial which was almost 7 years ago. He hasn't changed at all. Maybe he's a bit more buff and has a few wrinkles around his eyes...hahaha

He tried to offer me a swig of his Sam Adams champagne beer. I tasted it...gross. Ivan seems to like it. We all headed down to the hotel bar and pre gamed some more. Once that was over we headed out into the cold (take your first breath away cold!!!) to walk a few blocks to the Brazilian BBQ. Note to all the ladies out there: walking in heels in the snow SUCKS. Seriously...the guys were hauling ass and I was just worried about mine falling on to the concrete.

After dinner it was LIMO time. We got into the limo and Ivan wants to go to the bar where Maddie and he had first met. Since I'm not completely a dude of course I let out an "awwwwww!". What a cute thing to do Ivan Brown...except the bar is CLOSED. We go across the street to the other bar...nobody is in there. We are beginning to think that nobody is out anywhere (Kevin was straight up tripping because he was worried it wasn't going to be a good night). We have a couple of rounds there and make our way to a pub.

The pub had a little more people in it (I'm sure those quiet drinkers were thrilled we showed up!). Billy bought Irish Car Bombs and that was the beginning of the end for Ivan. Alex was NOT going to drink one of those so Ivan got two. Next thing we know Ivan starts bumbling around...the bartender was asking me if any of the drinks I ordered were for him because she sure as hell wasn't going to serve him. I promised her I only gave him water. He spews....comes back....we sit around....then...he gets up and I glance over and just before he makes it to the bathroom door he lets out a mini explosion. Good going Brewski!

So there I was with Billy cleaning up chunks of Brazilian BBQ off the floor...and we get word that we are heading out. Yep. Kevin...it was a success. Ivan was done!

So we get back to the hotel and we tuck Ivan into bed. Ivan has this dumbass look on his face as every one is fussing over him. I got shoe patrol. I tried to take his shoe off with out undoing the laces because I figured it would be faster. He of course notices this and his drunk ass tries to tell me to loosen the laces. I just looked at him (probably how I've looked at him every time that kid has annoyed me) and told him to "shut up dude...I GOT IT!". It made me feel like I was in high school for a split second.

Brian stayed behind to tend to the drunk and the rest of us wanted to get more drinks...we obviously had paced ourselves. So we walk out of the hotel and go down the street to a bar. THAT PLACE WAS BUMPING. The last bar we go to and its the fullest...oh...the irony.

9ish AM the next day: *telephone rings* "Hey you up?" "NO!" "You want to go to breakfast with us?" "Are you guys all up and ready now?" "Yes" "NO" "hahah ok."

The boys get back from breakfast and knock on my door. All I remember is feeling like a bread truck hit me. I wasn't hung over. Just insanely tired. I didn't nap at all on Thursday and only got 3 hours of sleep...I did a 4 hour flight to Chicago...and kept on going all the way until past 2 am. I'm not 21 any more...my body hated me. LOL. They gave me an hour to get ready.

We took a cab to Millenium Park to see the bean. Did the photo ops and all the good stuff. Then we walked to the Field Museum. Yes...we walked a thousand miles. Every one was numb in places they didn't know they could be numb in. We walked around The Field Museum for a bit then left to head towards Sears (I guess its Willis now) Tower. Another thousand miles later and we were at Giordanos. It was fun to sit down...wait for a pie...and watch the men be boys some more. I'm convinced that they will never out grow the boy and I love that about them. If it wasn't Ivan sticking cheese up his nose...it was Ivan eating popcorn with a knife and fork. Actually....maybe Ivan never grows up....LOL.

We all had to make our way back to the hotel. I stayed in for the night with my honey. We zoned out. Watched T.V. and found some place to eat. I got mad shit for missing the hockey game. But I didn't care. Bed is where I wanted to be. (Again with the old lady schiz!)

Saturday we had breakfast. Went to the Navy Pier and went up the bajillion floors to the top of the Sears Tower. They have those clear boxes  hanging off the side. The boys were all about it. They just walked right in there and took pictures...sat there....didn't seem to phase them that you could see the whole damn Earth below you! I couldn't step on it. It freaked me out way too much. So the first round of pictures I'm freaking out and just putting my hands on the glass. I finally sat on it and scooted out to Alex so we could take a picture together. I had no idea I would be THAT freaked out.

Kevin had to go to the rehersal dinner. We just stayed back and were lazy for a bit. Once he was done we went back to the bar that was bumping Bachelor party night. Had a few drinks then went to sleep.

Sunday! What a gorgeous day. Seriously. The sun came out a bit. There was snow every where. The church was beautiful. The bride is seriously one of the most GORGEOUS brides I've ever seen. Kevin and Ivan looked so handsome. Brian and Alex looked snazzy. I had on pearls and a brand new dress. There wasn't a person in that church that wasn't looking sharp.

After the ceremony I got the nicest hug from Ivans mom. She didn't recognize me at first. That hug felt like the kind of hug my mom would give to me. I've always loved that lady. I missed her.

PARTY TIME. Ok....this wedding is probably the best wedding I have ever been to. The country club was absolutely gorgeous. Wine was flowing. Appetizers a plenty. Every one was so happy. It was seriously an amazing celebration. I cried at Maddie's dad's speech. It was such a sweet moment between the two of them. I thankfully didn't cry at Kevin's speech. I thought I would but I didn't. When Ivan and Maddie danced...you couldn't help but see two people absolutely perfect for each other. He loves her so much and you can see it every time he looks at her. She looks at him the same way. It's magic to see two people like that.

After dinner (which was really good by the way) the dancing went off the hook. Man...every one was cutting a rug. It was awesome. The DJ played a ton of great songs. The whole day was just pure awesome. I loved seeing faces I hadn't seen in a long time.

What I learned from my visit to Chicago:

*I've always been considered a dude to those two boys (now men) up there. It felt good to know that after everything and how long we have all been apart...that it will ALWAYS feel the same. We were able to pick right back up from the last time we were all together and have a great time. Being called a dude was an ultimate compliment for me. I like not being fully a chick.

*I am glad I didn't go to my high schoool reunion. All the people I wanted to see were in Chicago and we partied it up. I'm glad I used the hundred bucks it was supposed to cost me to go to a reunion here...I used it there...and then some. It was awesome and wouldn't have changed it for the world.

*I learned that no matter how much Alex bitches he will ultimately have a good time and understand why I make him do the things that I make him do. I like putting a bit of a travel bug in my husband.

* I learned what truly cold was like. I mean. It was truly cold. I came back here and the new phrase is "It's cold...but it's not Chicago cold."

You can drive on the other side but you can't zip a zipper up on the other side?

My husband is super English. I mean...super English. He does not...by any means want to do anything that is "American". I started to notice this when I would go to give a high five. He always left me hanging.

One of the first times I cooked for him....garlic was something unheard of. I mean...I know he liked garlic sausage pizzas at home but when I was cooking he looked at me and went...."you're going to put that much garlic in?" I PUT GARLIC IN EVERY THING. He of course ate it....and loved it. They definitely have garlic all over the world but none of his dinners ever included it. He would eat meat and veg and potatoes every night covered in gravy. When Farmey is used to something...he's used to it. He now eats garlic mashed potatoes and other things filled with garlic.

Cheesecake. You are on acid if you don't like cheesecake right? He refused to eat cheesecake.  He wouldn't even try it! He is not a huge fan of the cheese. In his mind...he would rather have ANY thing besides a cake made of cheese. He will eat cheese on a burger...cheese on a pizza....but that's pretty much where he draws the line. Well, one night we are at our Chinese food place and they didn't have Thai Tea. The server felt bad so she decided to bring us a free dessert. There was a chocolate cheesecake square and a plain cheesecake square. Alex is allergic to chocolate so I scored the chocolate one. Alex picks up the plain one and pops it in his mouth. I didn't tell him it was a cheesecake square until he said mmmmm. I wasn't going to warn him. It was the perfect opportunity to get him to try it.

Gym shorts. For the longest time I could not buy him any new pairs of shorts. The reason....ALL THE SHORTS HAD POCKETS. The gym shorts he had from England didn't have pockets and that's what he wanted...shorts exactly like the ones he bought in England. For most people, like me, this would be a bonus. Who doesn't love pockets? He refused and refused and refused. I told him...they are all going to have effing pockets. Finally...one day....he caved. He bought the shorts with pockets and now he loves having pockets to stash all his shit. I love that he has pockets too. That means I'm not carrying around his inhaler any more.

Zippers....this is the new quirk I found out. Apparently the zippers in England are different for womens and mens. I guess all the zippers here are on the girls side instead of the boys side and Al doesn't like that. He will see hoodie (or a jumper if your English and reading this) and thinks he likes it...until he tries it on....until he goes to zip it up...then he hangs the thing back up. This has been the case on more than a few instances. The last instance was in Old Navy. I can't wrap my head around it. He tells me it would REALLY bother him to zip it up on that side. I can't see the difference in just zipping from the other side AT ALL. He tells me, "Well if you've grown up with something your whole life..." I proceeded to tell him that he drives on the other side of the road here...why can't he zip up a zipper on the other side? He dropped every thing he knew to be with me and to move here...how is that little bitty zipper on the wrong side a problem?

It's things like this that make him Alex. I love every inch of him....even when I think his cheese has completely slid off his cracker.

Happy New Year! It's gonna be a big one!

Ok...let's talk about reasons why 2012 is BIG.

*A reunion of epic proportions is about to happen. Once upon a time I was in high school and I had my two bestest boys anybody could ever ask for. Well...its time to go watch one of them get hitched in Chicago. I am invited to the Bachelor Party. First and probably last one I will ever attend. When asked why I was coming...Ivan simply said...why is she NOT coming? She could drink us all under the table. Yes...I have a bit of dude in me and I'm entirely sure they had a big hand in me being not completely a girly girl and in my ability to drink them "under the table". It's in 10 days and I CAN'T WAIT!

*I am 8 months away from moving to England. I have never been away from my house for more than 3 weeks in 26 years. If you don't think this is a BIG change for me...well...you would be on acid. ;o) I am getting more anxious about it every day. This blog will be full of things that I get anxious, excited, nervous about...so stay tuned!

*I am 10 months and 25 days away from 30. I'm so close to being 3 decades old that I can taste it. My birthday also happens to fall on a Saturday. If you don't think I'm going all out and getting sloshed in a pub in England...well....you are sorely mistaken! ;o)

That's three pretty big things...I'm sure I have surprises in store as well...with every new year...I've learned that every year is full of surprises. Just like Forrest Gump says....its a box of chocolates. And you know how I love chocolates.

On to the resolutions:

*I am going to take better care of myself. I imagine that in about a year and a half or so I will be trying to get pregnant. So...I need to make a baby making vessel. :o)

*I am going to own Star West. And by own I mean make it my bitch. Last year I believe I had major resentment for Star West. A.) Because it stressed the shit out of me. B.) Been here way too long for something that was supposed to just be college job. But now with the end in sight...I want nothing more than to show it who's the boss...and to end on a very good note. (Even though I think I will always have a hand in Star West even after I have gone.)

*Save boat loads of money. I mean...truck loads.

*I need to not feel anxious about the move. Every now and then I scream inside and say NOOOOO! I can't leave. I feel sometimes like I can't breathe. Like I'm not going to accomplish everything I need to in order to move. Sometimes I wonder if I think I have this thing on lock and something will happen and the plans will be foiled again. I'm gonna miss my bed...and my puppy...and my family...and my friends. This is never going to help me move thinking like that and I need to focus on the good things that are going to come out of this move. A happier husband. A happier me. A baby. A house. A dog of my own. A new bed. My own couch that I get to pick out myself. A kitchen that is ALL mine with nobody else to mess it up but me. New friends. Spending time with my nieces and my sister and my brothers and my pops and my mama. New job. A different job. A job that challenges me to do something different. The years have flown by because I've been in a groove. I want to be thrown out of my comfort level. I want to stand up next to my husband on our own two feet and take the world head on. Living like I have been living isn't going to cut it anymore. Its comfortable and cushy and safe...I need this to not be the case.

*To blog...consistently. The reason why its important this year is because over the break from work...I read my moms journal from when she was young. She was so good about keeping it going. I want to have something where I can vent...or just blab about what's going on...I also want to keep a record of the stuff I did to move to England. I also want to keep my feelings some place where my kids could look back and check it out. This is going to be an interesting year...I can't wait to blog about it. ALL OF IT!