When are you going to have one? You should have one right now. I can't wait til you are. Looks good on you. Your turn. Is it time for baby yet?
All nice sentiments, and trust me, all greatly appreciated. Seriously. People want me to have joy and love and a family. It's awesome and I love every single person who says this stuff to me. It makes me feel happy and light and I look forward to my future. But, at the same time....I want to punch you. (Don't worry I won't. I'm far too good at giving a smile instead of a punch :)
I can't even remember a time where I didn't think about becoming a mom. I mean seriously...my biological clock must have been ticking since birth. I was born to be a mother. This I know for sure. Whether I am able to have one on my own...or if I adopt...I'm going to be a mother.
I trust my gut feeling more than anything else. With the move...it never seemed right to move anytime earlier. Now everything is falling into place. It all seems right now. I'm happy and I couldn't be more excited to move to a new environment and challenge myself with the challenges I know I am about to face.
Could you imagine living in the same house all your life and then moving to an entirely new country...WITH A BABY? With no place of your own...and absolutely no furniture...or beds...or a job?
Yikes...that never seemed appealing to me. If it happened would I be happy about it? Sure. Of course. It wouldn't be ideal...but it would still be joyous.
Ever since Farmey and I have been married we have barely been alone. We live in a house that is stuffed to the gills. We all get on each others nerves and we bitch about shit that doesn't get done. We get cranky living there...so much so to the point where we want each other to eff the eff off. Before Alex got a job we barely had enough money for us to live comfortably...much less a baby.
From the get go, Al and I have both been two in one mind about this. We've both wanted to enjoy the time we had while we were young. We've both wanted to wait a bit in our marriage until we had some real stability. A real understanding of each other. We've both wanted a home of our own to bring our child home to. We've both (well mostly me) want the child to have its own nursery decked out in style (if its up to Al its white walls a crib and a curtain though. LOL).
The reason I don't have a baby is simple. My gut is telling me it is not time yet. My heart and my head? Well that's a different story. Certain times I go mental that I don't have one. Alex has restricted me from seeing any more babies. I go into this crazy state and tell him "That's it...pull your effing pants down...we are having a baby now." hahah Romantic right? Just how everyone wants to conceive a baby. The husband running scared and the wife crazily trying to molest him with her hormones. Every time someone else gets pregnant (holy crap...it's happening a lot lately :) I am going to admit...I'm totally jealous of you. Obviously not in a bad way. In the best way possible. When other people have babies I am over the moon...mostly because I get my fix when I get to hold them and love them. When a friend has a new baby it just cements the fact that holding, loving, caring, teaching, and having fun with a child is exactly where I want to be every day of my life. It's just not the time yet. Alex knows it better than me...and he is my rock and the reminder to just be patient a little bit more.
It will be time soon. As soon as I get settled in England...it will happen. But for now...do me a favor and take it easy on my biological clock. It is ticking...and the sweet sentiments everyone so dearly wishes for me only make the ticking turn into a pounding sound. I'm genuinely trying to focus on my move and my marriage and some fun times my husband and I have ahead. We are going to spend some serious alone time. We are probably going to go on some fun little trips together. We are going to have fun looking around at houses and picking out the best one for us. We are going to find that house and make a home for our future child/children. We are going to prep for a baby together and learn how to be just us as a family first. As soon as all that falls into place the baby will come too.
If you are my child/children and you are reading this in the future. I've day dreamed about you all of my life. I want to know what you are going to look like and who you are going to be. I want to kiss you and hold you and cuddle you and you aren't even you yet. My advice to you is to be more like your mom and less like your dad. :op Remember that! haha xo
