Saturday, August 4, 2012

So this is what it feels like....I've been wondering when it was going to hit me

It has been brought to my attention several times today how much I am going to miss my family.

I was sitting with my brother....when out of nowhere tears started to sprout out of my eyelids. I covered it up and walked away for a second. The only thing I could think to do was blog.

I had a really good day today. It was with the people I love the most on this Earth. There is nothing in this or any other lifetime I wouldn't do for them. Without them I would never have gotten through losing my mom. I can count on them for understanding, love, and most of all....the ability to bring humor to any situation.

I could rattle off all the things I am going to miss about them. I could rattle off the countless other things I won't miss about them.

I'm obviously not going to do that. I am going to say that I will miss them every day. Absolutely every day I breathe while I am away from them I will miss the absolute crap out of them.

I feel so happy to have a family like the one I have. I feel so grateful to have them. I'm so excited to "leave the nest". They are so supportive and it's going so smoothly...I know it is time. I just feel so damn sad and it just decided to hit me after a wonderful day out with my family.

I think I have been okay because I know they are going to be in Ireland two weeks after I get to England. We have had this Ireland trip planned for awhile now and I just always look to that. I don't even want to know what my emotions will be like after Dublin. I don't even want to know....because just thinking about it gives me anxiety and brings me to tears.

Tonight I realized that this week coming up will be a lot of goodbyes. I'm selling my truck Monday. Every time I look at it I almost cry. I love that truck. Lots of fun times. I have a good bye party tomorrow where I say good bye to my extended family. That's going to be cry fest 2012. Every week I meet up with the ladies and we hang out. I have to say good bye there too. I have to say good bye to my best friend of 25 years at the airport (because she insists). Good bye, good bye, good bye....to everything.

I know it's not forever. I know I will see everyone again. I know by moving to another country my eyes will be opened. I'll love having a place of my own and I will love being there. I just fucking hate change. It's apparent in the fact that I have pretty much done a variation or something similar of the same thing for the last 12 years. I got sick of people asking me what was new and I had nothing new to say. I found myself repeating "same shit, different day" over and over and over again. I knew this day was coming. I wanted this day to come. I've thought about this day. Wondered what it would be like and now it is here....

You are actually leaving. You are moving. In a week I will be sitting around a fire in the back yard with the people I love. It will be my last night living in my house. I'm totally tripping. 

You know, five years ago, this couldn't come soon enough. I was so frustrated because I couldn't get us moving and out of the house. Now I'm barreling towards it like a bullet train. Just slow down please. Just a little. I want 7 really long days. Really good long days with friends and family. I don't want to write this blog, post it, and then blink and have me standing in LAX.

Yes...that is how fast my life has been going lately.