Susie Miss Always Changes Her Mind

As soon as I uttered the words I wondered what in the hell was wrong with me.

I have been packing up my whole life. I've read my old journals. One day my kid is going to read those and think of what a hot mess I was in my adolescent years. Oh the love and the angst that pours out in those journals are sure to be a good read for anyone who ends up finding them and reading my deepest darkest thoughts.

One of the journals I found was a journal my mom originally gave to my dad. He never wrote in it. She gave it to me. On the front it has a map. I've always been obsessed with maps and being anywhere but where I am. The cover of the journal has a huge star on top of Europe. Since I can remember it has been my mission to see it all. It even says in my kiddie writing I want to travel all over "Euroupe". Yes...that is how I spelled it. LOL.

After reading through and pondering my life I started to wonder if I wanted kids as soon as I said I wanted them. This whole time I've been thinking we would get to England. Alex would get a job. We'd get our own house and then the babies would come. Hell...I've been telling everyone that after April 2013 we are going to start trying.

Alex and I were in the car today and I told him I was thinking about holding off on kids. For Alex, he doesn't care if we have them or not. It's not that he doesn't want them...he's just not a woman and thinks incessantly about them like me. I want to hold off on kids because I want to travel. I want to travel A LOT. I want to go to the places that I don't want to take my kids to. Sure I could take them every where with me. And I'm sure it would be a lot of fun. But can I go wine tasting in Spain with a baby in tow? Could I go and galavant around Paris...drink wine in a cafe...OD on cheese and croissants and have a blissful time like I imagined with a kid with me? Could I go to Oktoberfest and drink copious amounts of beer and get so sick on sausages that I ralph? How about that white sandy beach vacation I have planned in Fiji? A quiet long weekend in the Alps? This could take years to do all these things. My uterus doesn't have years. It could possibly go on for 10 more years but then...do I really want a baby at 40? My energy level is already lower than it used to be. At 40...I imagine I'd be struggling to keep up with them.

The awesome thing about my mom was that she was so young when she had us. She was always so playful and we were always doing tons of fun things with her. She didn't seem to mind that she never left the country. She didn't seem to mind that she never got to go to Italy like she dreamed about. She told me once that the only thing she ever wanted was her own house (she got that), 3 kids (she got that), and to own her own business (she got that as well). I can't imagine only wanting those three things and being satisfied with that. Although I share the same sentiments... I've always wanted my own house and kids...and lately I keep formulating my own business in my mind. I must be a lot more like my mom than I thought.

I suppose there is never the perfect time to have kids. Everyone keeps telling me that. But I don't want to miss key alone time moments with my husband. I mean seriously...for 5 years of our married life...we've been sharing a house with 3 other people. The past 2 years we have been sharing it with 4 other people. When we move to England we will have more privacy. We will get some alone time. But I want alone time vacationing with my husband.

The only way for me to settle this is to let fate decide. I'm still going to start trying to have kids in April. If they come along right away then that's just great. If they don't come along right away...I will take it as a sign and go and do some travelling. I can wine taste with a baby strapped to my chest. I can oktoberfest when they are older. I can go to Fiji and leave the kid with their Gran or their Auntie. My kids are going to travel and travel lots.

I've noticed that you don't really plan your life. It's been kinda planned for you. Some of you may think this is insane but I honestly believe that things happen the way they happen for a reason. I've learned this even more so in the time leading up to the move. When everything falls into place...it's right. So if the job comes for Alex....the house comes....and then a baby....it's meant to be. For now...I think I might just let go of my crazy need to plan and control it all and just go with the flow. Whatcha got for me fate?

My great expectations

I'm almost sure it's not going to be anything like expect it to be. I'm actually banking on it. 


I suppose I should say what I expect it is going to be like before I go. This way I can look back and be like...honey...you didn't have a clue...or maybe I did...who knows? I guess we will find out. 


*I expect to be walking or taking a bus every where. I know we are only going to have one car and me on the other side of the road right off the bat is NOT going to fly.


*I expect to not be doing anything work related (besides design work) for at least 6 months if not more. I also suspect I might actually miss Star West and working with my crew. 


*I expect to miss my food here. Especially Mexican.


*I expect to make lots of friends. (After the blog I read though...it seems to me that English women do not warm to Americans as well as I thought they would) This could be quite different than what I read in the "She's not from Yorkshire" blog. Village life could be entirely different. 


*I expect to feel like I am on vacation. Then...like a time bomb...it will hit me that I am no longer on vacation and I actually live there. I expect to be ridiculously California homesick. Especially in winter. I also expect to be homesick on Thanksgiving. I expect to miss every person I spend so much time with here. 


*I expect to be on my own for a great deal of time while Alex is working. I expect my midget sister to take good care of me and keep me occupied with my nieces. 


*I expect care packages from my dad. He knows what's up. I'll get all kinds of goodies. I'm hoping I don't miss a thing because of this.


*I expect to be freezing. I expect little light in winter and ample light in summer.


*I expect that I will be happy. I expect that I will grow and learn with this new adventure. I expect nothing more from broadening my horizons. 


*I expect that my husband will be all the comfort and security I could possibly need in his country as he did with me. 


*I expect to have a house and start on a kid by the end of April 2013. 


*I expect to travel all around Europe. Not right away obviously...but over time...the point is to see it all. 


*I expect Alex to want to eat tea at his mom's house a couple of nights a week and completely abandon me on Sundays to go to his auntie Min's for some alone time.




I'll come back with more I am sure. This great expectations post is a work in progress.