Time.
It sure does fly by doesn't it? I've been thinking all month
what kind of a blog post I would put up. If maybe I might have something
profound or meaningful to say. I woke up this morning and I didn't feel that
punch in the gut I thought I would. I woke up this morning thinking...I have to
say something. I have to write about Aurora. I have to write about how I am
supposed to be giving birth this week to Baby Blue. I have to write about not
seeing my mom in 10 years. I have to write about this being the shittiest week
every year. But I can't. It's not all shit. My niece is 12 years old tomorrow.
It's my mother in laws birthday today. In the midst of all the shit there are
two absolutely wonderful days worth celebrating. I see a lesson in that. No
matter how shitty things are just find a reason to celebrate life.
I can't believe at this time exactly last year I was
pregnant. It was around this time my daughter was charging into the world and I
really didn't even know it. That beautiful little fighter just couldn't wait to
get here. Even after she came out she still fought and fought fiercely. This
year without her here has been challenging to say the least. But she taught me
to fight fiercely. To feel all the emotions. A very stark contrast to when I
lost my mom.
When I lost my mom I had a hard time believing that this was
my life now. A life without the woman I loved the most in the world. I spiraled
out of control. Those who know me...and knew me back then...my head just wasn't
right. I could not handle her being gone. I thought I needed to take care of
everything and everyone. And I was wrong. I should have taken care of myself.
Because I didn't take care of myself I did more harm than good. I got
resentful, angry, bitter, etc. It was
nobody's fault but my own. It was my grief. A grief that I became well accustomed
to.
I've learned a lot in 10 years. I learned a lot in a year. I
felt like I would never heal after my mom. I did. I thought I would never stop
crying myself to sleep after Aurora. But I did. I thought I could never lose
another baby and handle it. But I did. I'm not saying this for you all to
think...oh what a fighter she is. Oh Lea is so strong. Oh I could never do
that. I'm not saying this for recognition or for glory. There is absolutely no
glory in grief. I'm saying this because what I learned is to reach out. I found
a community founded on the worst thing ever. The loss of a child. I'm part of a
baby loss group on facebook. A group of women who have lost children. It's a
place for us to vent and to find strength from others who know exactly how each
other feels. I follow Still Standing Magazine and Carly Marie and gain strength
knowing I am not alone. I talk about my daughter and I make sure everyone
remembers she was on this Earth. The more I talk about my loss the more I find
out about others and their loss. Miscarriage and baby loss is strangely a very
common thing. It happens to more people than you would like to think. Something
that seems like it would be a normal and easy thing like bringing a child into
the world really isn't that simple.
I've lost my innocence. I always knew I could possibly lose
a child to miscarriage. I never dreamt of losing one at 21 weeks. So when Baby
Blue was gone I almost expected it to happen. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt I was just jaded and knew it could and it
did. Baby Blue came at the right time and was there for a reason. I was
pregnant with Baby Blue on Aurora's due date. A date that probably would have
not been a good one for me on my own. But I was ok because I had a little bean
inside me. I lost Baby Blue shortly after that.
After you lose a baby you feel like you've taken a trip to
crazy town with emotions. Feelings that in my head I should rationally not be
feeling but my heart hurt so much. I couldn't walk in the baby section of
anywhere anymore. I couldn't stand the sight of diapers/nappies. Or bottles. Or
cute little baby clothes. I've found myself becoming jealous of other women who
were having perfectly healthy pregnancies. It seemed like every one and their
mothers was pregnant but me. I went home to see my family after Aurora. My
brother had news for me but couldn't find the way to tell me because he knew
I'd feel the exact way I ended up feeling. My brother and future sister in law
were having a baby. When I found out I can't believe the way I reacted. I
couldn't believe I didn't cry with joy. Or jump up and give my brother and her
a hug. I just sat there stunned and I think...well I hope I said
congratulations. Looking back I was jealous and hurting and I was being
selfish. But really...I'm not alone. All women who have lost a baby or can't
have one have these feelings. I'm much better now. I found a way to be happy
for other women so now I don't feel like a piece of shit for feeling the way I
did when I saw them having everything I wanted. Everything that was stolen away
from me.
I wanted to know the
progress of my nephew. I wanted to see belly pictures and scan pictures. I
wanted to be involved and happy. But part of me always got upset. Mostly
because I was being such a selfish asshole. I just wanted to be happy for them.
I was just so happy she was healthy. That Bruce was healthy. I just focused on
that and tried to push my feelings away. It wasn't until the day my brother
sent me the picture of him and his son together that I finally felt the way I
should feel about it. My eyes filled with tears and my heart was jumping for
joy. Exactly the way I should have reacted when he told me he was going to be a
dad. I'm so proud of my brother and Stephanie. I'm so proud of that strong little
man. I am so proud to be his auntie.
I guess this year has just been me dealing with my grief. I
get so lost in my own that I don't even realize my husband is grieving too. I'm
so open and will just cry out of nowhere. In my grief I told him he didn't
understand how I felt. It's because he's just so much harder than me. He holds
it together so well. I thought he was doing it because he wanted to be strong
for me. But I don't think he is. I think he's being strong for himself. I think
it hurts too bad. Again I was being an asshole in my grief and thought my grief
was worse than his because it's my body that failed our babies. I thought it
was my fault and so that had to have made my grief worse than his. It's not.
It's the same but different. And it only makes us hold on to each other
tighter. I knew Alex was forever. I knew I'd love him until the day I died and
probably after and into a next life until the end of time. Our baby girl and
our baby blue made and even stronger couple for their future siblings.
I feel like I've been rambling. I guess I'll end it here with a Happy Birthday Aurora!
Live, Love, Laugh. It'll get you through it all.
