My emotions are going to EXPLODE

How do I explain this the right way so that maybe you can kind of understand where I am coming from?

These past few weeks, as the day draws near for me to leave...I've noticed some things. 

First of all...I want to talk about the Disneyland trip I took last night. Never could I have picked a better group to go with to my last Disneyland trip for awhile (contrary to popular belief on facebook...I'm not dying and I will be back to enjoy Disneyland. Ahemmmm. Dramatic Jennifer Pratt).

I was so antsy all day to go. I was itching to be hanging out with those girls. I might have been twitching. I seriously put the mouse ears on a hundred times sitting at my desk. I probably got barely anything done too. Oh well...the business is still running right? Right. 

So we all meet up and we are on our way there and all of a sudden I get hit with a tear bomb. Like boom. Explosion. Jenny and Annie AND Mama Hobbs (aka Annie's mama) had all recorded something for me. They had hooked it up to the car and I could hear it on the speakers. Technology rocks. It started off with Annie talking about where she met me...of course saying some of the sweetest things ever...and then she sang me a song. It was beautiful. I had misted up but I'm not into the whole "sissy girl crying thing". I mean...don't get me wrong...I do it...but I like to think I have some balls. 

Then mama Hobbs came on and said some more sweet things. I mean seriously. That seriously was almost leaky tear duct time. She sang me a song too. Melt my heart. She's probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. In the absence of my mom I find comfort that my friends mom's do so well making me feel loved like I am their own. 

Then Jenny came on...as always...she was able to get me to laugh with her Jenny charm. No one makes me giggle like that. Ever. 

I was thinking about this all night last night. I had such a great time with my friends. I mean seriously (I have been saying seriously a lot in this post). I couldn't even ask for better friends. I'm starting to wonder if I will have close friends like this over in England. My anxiety level totally went up about 10 fold last night. 

I have facebook....I'm very regular on it. I will still have these close friendships but will only be able to see them when I am on vacation. I imagine that the distance will only make the times I see them better...but somehow I know this is what is going to make me homesick.

I have noticed that a lot of things get left up to me...."well you are leaving....so what do you want to do?"

It's awesome that I have friends like this. Friends that want me to experience all the things I am going to miss. Mostly the friends that have made an effort to go with me places. To experience the cool things I have been able to experience here. The ones that put their desire to do certain things on the back burner so I can fulfill the ones I want to do. 

Jenny has been awesome at this. She has made a list of things we needed to do before I leave. We've done just about all of them. I have had so much fun with her. My best friend is the BEST best friend I could EVER have. I'll never  have another one like her and thank god for skype. This way we can be ridiculous with each other no matter where we are on the globe. 

My dad has also made me cry quite a few times (I guess I made him cry too...but he will tell you it a bug in his eye). I don't know what it is about my daddy but he's the hardest one to leave. It's not like I don't think he will be taken care of...and it's not like I worry for him at all...not even in the slightest (maybe lose a few pounds while I'm gone so you can move around a bit better...ok, dad?). But my dad is probably one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet. He's very chilled out...he rarely puts his two cents in about the decisions I make...and he isn't over bearing and the tell you what to do type person. My dad is not only my dad...but has become a good friend. Someone I always enjoy being around. I know I will get homesick when I am sat in England on a Saturday or Sunday drinking a cup of coffee and reading the news or having breakfast. I like being able to walk out of my room and see my dad camped out at the kitchen counter with his coffee. I won't be able to do that and just thinking about it hurts my heart. I won't be able to make dinner for him either. Or to just get a hug from my one remaining parent. Again...my heart hurts just thinking about it. 

I just teared up writing that...Alex walked in and asked what was the matter with me. I of course told him I have something in my eye (I suppose like father, like daughter). Then we started talking more and waterworks just came. He's been really good and understanding about this whole thing. He knows me VERY well now and he expected this. He gives me a hug and it feels better. All I really need to survive is him. He's everything and that's why we are doing this. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm a bundle of emotions right now. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know keeping myself from crying is probably not the best thing. But I can't go the next 23 days crying and thinking about how I am going to say good bye to everyone. I can't go the next 23 days wondering if I think I am going to be happy in England....and really be miserable. I'm so nervous I can't even stand it. I know I am making the right move. I know it. But there's always a little nagging at the back of my mind. I like to be prepared for my emotions. Never. Going. To. Happen. 

Alex told  me that when I say good bye to Erin, Mike, and Dad in Dublin...that's going to be the worst part for me ever. I again started crying thinking about it. I will have to say good bye to my sister and wait 11 months til I see her again. I have to watch her take the reigns at Star West and worry if I set her up the right way to do this stuff. She's so smart and so funny and such a joy to be around and I  have no clue how it's going to be with out her with me every day. 

My brother isn't going to be a picnic to leave either.  I feel so blessed to be so close to my brother and sister. They are the best room mates I could have ever envisioned living with this long. They are also some of my closest and dearest friends. I know I have always loved them. I know from the minute I met them they were my babies too (obviously not literally my babies but they will always be baby brother and baby sister). When we lost our mom I just wanted to take care of them. Those two are the only ones who know what I am feeling when it comes to my mom. The only people in the world who know exactly who I am because they have known me their whole lives and I them. I have been told that when I leave...the house will be much quieter. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I know we all need to move on from this house at some point. I know we need to be separated to learn and grow more. This close and tight knit family unit we have built is going to be another thing that makes me homesick. 

I've never been homesick so I'm wondering what it feels like. It drives me mad not knowing how I am going to feel...if I am going to like where I live...if I will have close friends like I have here....how much I am going to cry when I say good bye to my family...I suppose these are all good things. People do this every day. They grow up...move on....and have a family life that is completely their own. I think the thing I struggle with the most is cutting the cord. I'm so attached to my family and love them so dearly I can't imagine not being in the next room if they need me...or if I need them. 

I'm a mess. In a good way...I think.... 

Susie Miss Always Changes Her Mind

As soon as I uttered the words I wondered what in the hell was wrong with me.

I have been packing up my whole life. I've read my old journals. One day my kid is going to read those and think of what a hot mess I was in my adolescent years. Oh the love and the angst that pours out in those journals are sure to be a good read for anyone who ends up finding them and reading my deepest darkest thoughts.

One of the journals I found was a journal my mom originally gave to my dad. He never wrote in it. She gave it to me. On the front it has a map. I've always been obsessed with maps and being anywhere but where I am. The cover of the journal has a huge star on top of Europe. Since I can remember it has been my mission to see it all. It even says in my kiddie writing I want to travel all over "Euroupe". Yes...that is how I spelled it. LOL.

After reading through and pondering my life I started to wonder if I wanted kids as soon as I said I wanted them. This whole time I've been thinking we would get to England. Alex would get a job. We'd get our own house and then the babies would come. Hell...I've been telling everyone that after April 2013 we are going to start trying.

Alex and I were in the car today and I told him I was thinking about holding off on kids. For Alex, he doesn't care if we have them or not. It's not that he doesn't want them...he's just not a woman and thinks incessantly about them like me. I want to hold off on kids because I want to travel. I want to travel A LOT. I want to go to the places that I don't want to take my kids to. Sure I could take them every where with me. And I'm sure it would be a lot of fun. But can I go wine tasting in Spain with a baby in tow? Could I go and galavant around Paris...drink wine in a cafe...OD on cheese and croissants and have a blissful time like I imagined with a kid with me? Could I go to Oktoberfest and drink copious amounts of beer and get so sick on sausages that I ralph? How about that white sandy beach vacation I have planned in Fiji? A quiet long weekend in the Alps? This could take years to do all these things. My uterus doesn't have years. It could possibly go on for 10 more years but then...do I really want a baby at 40? My energy level is already lower than it used to be. At 40...I imagine I'd be struggling to keep up with them.

The awesome thing about my mom was that she was so young when she had us. She was always so playful and we were always doing tons of fun things with her. She didn't seem to mind that she never left the country. She didn't seem to mind that she never got to go to Italy like she dreamed about. She told me once that the only thing she ever wanted was her own house (she got that), 3 kids (she got that), and to own her own business (she got that as well). I can't imagine only wanting those three things and being satisfied with that. Although I share the same sentiments... I've always wanted my own house and kids...and lately I keep formulating my own business in my mind. I must be a lot more like my mom than I thought.

I suppose there is never the perfect time to have kids. Everyone keeps telling me that. But I don't want to miss key alone time moments with my husband. I mean seriously...for 5 years of our married life...we've been sharing a house with 3 other people. The past 2 years we have been sharing it with 4 other people. When we move to England we will have more privacy. We will get some alone time. But I want alone time vacationing with my husband.

The only way for me to settle this is to let fate decide. I'm still going to start trying to have kids in April. If they come along right away then that's just great. If they don't come along right away...I will take it as a sign and go and do some travelling. I can wine taste with a baby strapped to my chest. I can oktoberfest when they are older. I can go to Fiji and leave the kid with their Gran or their Auntie. My kids are going to travel and travel lots.

I've noticed that you don't really plan your life. It's been kinda planned for you. Some of you may think this is insane but I honestly believe that things happen the way they happen for a reason. I've learned this even more so in the time leading up to the move. When everything falls into place...it's right. So if the job comes for Alex....the house comes....and then a baby....it's meant to be. For now...I think I might just let go of my crazy need to plan and control it all and just go with the flow. Whatcha got for me fate?

My great expectations

I'm almost sure it's not going to be anything like expect it to be. I'm actually banking on it. 


I suppose I should say what I expect it is going to be like before I go. This way I can look back and be like...honey...you didn't have a clue...or maybe I did...who knows? I guess we will find out. 


*I expect to be walking or taking a bus every where. I know we are only going to have one car and me on the other side of the road right off the bat is NOT going to fly.


*I expect to not be doing anything work related (besides design work) for at least 6 months if not more. I also suspect I might actually miss Star West and working with my crew. 


*I expect to miss my food here. Especially Mexican.


*I expect to make lots of friends. (After the blog I read though...it seems to me that English women do not warm to Americans as well as I thought they would) This could be quite different than what I read in the "She's not from Yorkshire" blog. Village life could be entirely different. 


*I expect to feel like I am on vacation. Then...like a time bomb...it will hit me that I am no longer on vacation and I actually live there. I expect to be ridiculously California homesick. Especially in winter. I also expect to be homesick on Thanksgiving. I expect to miss every person I spend so much time with here. 


*I expect to be on my own for a great deal of time while Alex is working. I expect my midget sister to take good care of me and keep me occupied with my nieces. 


*I expect care packages from my dad. He knows what's up. I'll get all kinds of goodies. I'm hoping I don't miss a thing because of this.


*I expect to be freezing. I expect little light in winter and ample light in summer.


*I expect that I will be happy. I expect that I will grow and learn with this new adventure. I expect nothing more from broadening my horizons. 


*I expect that my husband will be all the comfort and security I could possibly need in his country as he did with me. 


*I expect to have a house and start on a kid by the end of April 2013. 


*I expect to travel all around Europe. Not right away obviously...but over time...the point is to see it all. 


*I expect Alex to want to eat tea at his mom's house a couple of nights a week and completely abandon me on Sundays to go to his auntie Min's for some alone time.




I'll come back with more I am sure. This great expectations post is a work in progress. 

The promise wasn't really to her so much as it was a promise to me...

How did it go from 8 months to almost 11 weeks?

SQUEALS!

I have been getting my stuff together here at Star West. I'm not as nervous about leaving it anymore. I don't feel too much stress in this department...I'm not sure what changed.

With my computer going out I suppose that might have been a nice fire to light under my ass. It made me unable to enter orders normally or  to digitize any of the designs that came in. It only left me with a few options and hyper organizational mode set in. (Obviously not happening now...I'm blogging...haha)

My sister is going to replace me. I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am about this. I think she will do a really fantastic job. I'm pretty sure that once she gets the hang of it...she will be better than me. I am in the middle of organizing and making manuals. I'm removing all my stuff from the office. I'm actually having fun being here. Is it because the end is in sight and ultimately I'm going to miss this job?

I've learned a lot from Star West in the past 11 and a half years that I have been here. For the last 7 of them Star West has been a constant in my head. I don't know why I felt it was important to promise my mom that I would never let her hard work at Star West go to waste. I don't even know why I felt it was important to keep that promise. I don't think she would care either way. I suppose I could have left right after she died.

I'm glad I didn't. I stuck around. I got to work with my family with out my mom. I had to learn to deal with them on my own. I had to learn how to make patterns. I had  to run out and do deliveries. I had to learn how to work full time....go to school...and still find time for a social life. I had to learn how to have a new boss and take what experience I had and give it to him. I learned that it is not easy having your own business at all (thankfully it's not mine). It's a struggle and you have to work VERY hard to keep it going. Especially in this economy. I had to learn how to digitize. How to become an accountant...I had to learn to manage the whole thing. All by myself. Which is what is happening now. My boss is out every day. I'm here. My crew and I are Star West.

Star West made me more confident in myself and my decisions. Star West taught me a bunch of things I never knew I would learn. I know I am going to leave this place knowing I have done everything in my power to make Star West what it is today. It's miles better than it used to be. I have blood, sweat, and tears in this thing (literally). I promised my mom her hard work wouldn't go to waste. What I really think I ended up promising myself was the chance to grow up and learn some crucial life lessons.

My gramma and I were chatting the other day about leaving. She was talking about a going away party and how we were going to have a brunch or something before we left. I told her I know I'm probably going to be crying the whole time. She told me that I could not cry as much as her when she left Chicago. She said everyone made her cry. She was crying on the plane. She was crying when she got off the plane.

She informed me that she was very attached to her mom. She said it took her mom dying for her to grow up. I looked at her and for what seemed like the first time in a long time we absolutely understood each other. We knew exactly how the other one was feeling.

I don't want a going away party...I don't want to cry. Maybe I won't. I want this move to feel like I've left on a vacation. A VERY long vacation. I want to feel like I bought a vacation house. I want to have a baby on vacation (LOL). I'm very excited for this period in my life.

I suppose I can't mention the move with out talking about my husband. Obviously he is the only reason why I would move to England. People ask me why I'm moving there.... Why on earth would you leave Cali for England? I think we can all agree that Cali is amazing weather wise. The food isn't shabby either. It's the cost of living that sucks the damn life out of you. People could probably argue that it would be the same in England. But I think what's different is the different pace of life that I'm looking forward to.

I'm going to push the little minute details out of the way and let you know for real why I'm moving there.

I met my husband in a pub. There was a connection for sure (obviously). One of the nights I looked at him right in the eyes and I barely knew him...didn't know anything really about him except he was Alex...he had no hair...and he was English...and I saw him in the pub...A LOT hahah...I knew there was something about him. I'm telling you...it sure as hell felt like love at first sight. The last night I was there I cried because I didn't want to leave him. He asked me to stay.

Obviously I was right. It was special. Special enough for me to marry him. Special enough for him to give up his life in England for 5 years. He sold his beloved car for me. He left his niece and missed the other one being born for me. He's missed his family for me. He sat at home for 4 years doing the dishes, the laundry, cleaning up...for me. All because I couldn't let Star West go. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm not going to pretend like he doesn't drive me nuts though and wish for a shot gun to the head daily. hahaha.

I don't worry about moving over there because I know we will take care of each other. I don't worry about any of it...mostly because we have lived as a married couple for 5 years amongst my family and the things I am comfortable with. We have fought. We have laughed. There were times I wasn't too sure we'd hang on as well as we did. I'm so glad things didn't work out the way I thought they would. Otherwise...they wouldn't be what they are.

I'm happy, I'm in love, and I'm about to go on the biggest adventure of my life.

I don't even know what it feels like to be living anywhere else...

Ever since last week when I announced that it was 15 weeks until D-Day (Departure Day) I have been thoroughly tripping.

Not only do I have an active countdown now....but I actually have to come to terms with leaving everything I know. I've seen plenty of people do it....but now...at 29 years of age...I feel like 5 year old...part of me just wants to sit in a corner with my thumb in my mouth and cuddle my blankie until this is all over.

I know people who have left their families and moved to an entirely different country. I got people on my Facebook in Spain, England, and Sweden. I have people moseying around the globe and experiencing what Earth has to offer. I've seen these people have babies and watch their life grow in other countries. I know it can be done...

Why am I having such a hard time with this? I don't even want a going away party for fear I might be a total wreck through the whole thing. I don't know why I am acting like its the early 1900's....like I can't ever see my family again once I make the move to another country. I come from a long line of migratory people. My great gramma was from Luxembourg. She moved here with her sister and NEVER went back to see her family. My gramma Mitzi left Japan and traveled around the globe with her family (and hasn't gone back for a visit in years). Most of my family doesn't even live in the same state as they started out in. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I think it might be the fact that I thought I would never move any place else. I envisioned moseying around the globe and finding new and different spots. I envisioned visiting....never moving. I always thought I would live in California...be close to my family....have my children grow up with my brother and sisters children. I always thought I would spend holidays with them. I always thought my life would be so much different than it is. It's not a bad thing...it's just a life lesson...don't expect it to be one way...it won't...it will be better.

Moving to England has been the plan....it's been the plan since I met Alex over 7 years ago. Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to see what our family turns out like. I'm excited to see what my first house will look like. I'm excited to watch my nieces grow up and be there for more moments and try to make up for the ones I missed. I'm excited. But I am SCARED AS HELL.

I don't want to miss anybody. I don't want to feel sad when there is a moment I want to be around them and I can't. It's going to happen at one point. I'm not looking forward to it.

This is only going to make me a stronger person. And it's not like I don't already have plans to come back and visit less than a year later. I get to come home and it gets to be a vacation.

It's not like my brother or sister or Dad or anybody else won't come out and visit me. It's not like we can't meet in some totally different country and have adventures there. So I will say this again....WHY IS THIS SO HARD? Is it because I got a lot of shit to do before I go? Is it because I might actually miss being at work? Is it because I have some kind of a plan....but not really a plan? What is it about this? I've never wanted to do something so bad in my life but not want to do it just as bad.

Alex tells me it won't be so bad. It will feel like a vacation and not a move. He thinks I will be too interested in everything that is going on around me and all the places I get to explore that I won't even have time to realize I moved.

I hope he is right....we will see.

You know....you can have one of your very own too...

When are you going to have one? You should have one right now. I can't wait til you are. Looks good on you. Your turn. Is it time for baby yet?

All nice sentiments, and trust me, all greatly appreciated. Seriously. People want me to have joy and love and a family. It's awesome and I love every single person who says this stuff to me. It makes me feel happy and light and I look forward to my future. But, at the same time....I want to punch you. (Don't worry I won't. I'm far too good at giving a smile instead of a punch :)

I can't even remember a time where I didn't think about becoming a mom. I mean seriously...my biological clock must have been ticking since birth. I was born to be a mother. This I know for sure. Whether I am able to have one on my own...or if I adopt...I'm going to be a mother.

I trust my gut feeling more than anything else. With the move...it never seemed right to move anytime earlier. Now everything is falling into place. It all seems right now. I'm happy and I couldn't be more excited to move to a new environment and challenge myself with the challenges I know I am about to face.

Could you imagine living in the same house all your life and then moving to an entirely new country...WITH A BABY? With no place of your own...and absolutely no furniture...or beds...or a job?

Yikes...that never seemed appealing to me. If it happened would I be happy about it? Sure. Of course. It wouldn't be ideal...but it would still be joyous.

Ever since Farmey and I have been married we have barely been alone. We live in a house that is stuffed to the gills. We all get on each others nerves and we bitch about shit that doesn't get done. We get cranky living there...so much so to the point where we want each other to eff the eff off.  Before Alex got a job we barely had enough money for us to live comfortably...much less a baby.

From the get go, Al and I have both been two in one mind about this. We've both wanted to enjoy the time we had while we were young. We've both wanted to wait a bit in our marriage until we had some real stability. A real understanding of each other. We've both wanted a home of our own to bring our child home to. We've both (well mostly me) want the child to have its own nursery decked out in style (if its up to Al its white walls a crib and a curtain though. LOL).

The reason I don't have a baby is simple. My gut is telling me it is not time yet. My heart and my head? Well that's a different story. Certain times I go mental that I don't have one. Alex has restricted me from seeing any more babies. I go into this crazy state and tell him "That's it...pull your effing pants down...we are having a baby now." hahah Romantic right? Just how everyone wants to conceive a baby. The husband running scared and the wife crazily trying to molest him with her hormones. Every time someone else gets pregnant (holy crap...it's happening a lot lately :) I am going to admit...I'm totally jealous of you. Obviously not in a bad way. In the best way possible. When other people have babies I am over the moon...mostly because I get my fix when I get to hold them and love them. When a friend has a new baby it just cements the fact that holding, loving, caring, teaching, and having fun with a child is exactly where I want to be every day of my life. It's just not the time  yet. Alex knows it better than me...and he is my rock and the reminder to just be patient a little bit more.

It will be time soon. As soon as I get settled in England...it will happen. But for now...do me a favor and take it easy on my biological clock. It is ticking...and the sweet sentiments everyone so dearly wishes for me only make the ticking turn into a pounding sound. I'm genuinely trying to focus on my move and my marriage and some fun times my husband and I have ahead. We are going to spend some serious alone time. We are probably going to go on some fun little trips together. We are going to have fun looking around at houses and picking out the best one for us. We are going to find that  house and make a home for our future child/children. We are going to prep for a baby together and learn how to be just us as a family first. As soon as all that falls into place the baby will come too.

If you are my child/children and you are reading this in the future. I've day dreamed about you all of my life. I want to know what you are going to look like and who you are going to be. I want to kiss you and hold you and cuddle you and you aren't even you yet. My advice to you is to be more like your mom and less like your dad. :op Remember that! haha xo

Go with peace and love....

Last Thursday I learned that my Pa George was not doing well and that he wouldn't be with us much longer.

He was in the hospital and had a surgery. I guess he was doing bad, then good, then bad. He wasn't expected to live more than 24 hours on Thursday.

I do horribly with death. I went over there to see him. He was pretty out of it. More people started showing up and I had to get back to work. I meant to go by the next day. I didn't. Saturday I didn't go by. Sunday I didn't go by. Monday I didn't go by. Today I was driving down the road to make a delivery and I told myself...it's probably a good time to go by. After my delivery I pulled in.

I pull up and my Uncle Matt was looking somber. Gramma Pat had tears in her eyes. I walked in literally just after it had happened. I just had a gut feeling to go over there, unannounced, just show up. I get these gut feelings here and there and I always know its my mom telling me to do stuff.

I feel grateful that I had a gut feeling to go over there. I was able to have a second alone with him. I was able to wish him peace. Thank him for being my grandpa. I was also able to tell him to say hi to my mom for me. All while he was still warm. I told him I loved him.

I remember having a really good time with my grandparents at the Huntington Beach house while I was little. That is where my memory resides when I think of my grandparents. I also remember going to stay up with them with my sister in Modesto. We had a good time up there together. I remember him cooking outside. He loved to use lots of garlic. I am more than certain that is where I got it from when I add garlic to everything. When I got into the family business, I found, that as an adult, I seemed to butt heads with George a lot. Some how, being little and not knowing much about adult hood tends to make better memories. I'm not going to spout off what we disagreed on...or why I might not have spent more time with him as an adult...

What good does that do? It doesn't matter now. He was my grandpa. Didn't agree on everything but regardless of that I know we both still loved each other.

I will miss him calling the shop saying "Hi there, Lea(er)." He always put an r instead of an a sound.

I don't know how to feel right now. I'm sad for the loss. Mostly sad for the people who spent the most time with him. Especially his daughter Cathy. That was the hardest part was watching her walk in the room.

I struggle with being truly sad by this loss. He is not suffering any longer. He is at peace. He has no pain. He's with my mom. He just got to figure out what life really was all about. Thank you for the lessons I have learned because of you. Thank you for being my grandpa. Bless you Pa George, rest in total peace, you were and are loved.