Time

Time.

It sure does fly by doesn't it? I've been thinking all month what kind of a blog post I would put up. If maybe I might have something profound or meaningful to say. I woke up this morning and I didn't feel that punch in the gut I thought I would. I woke up this morning thinking...I have to say something. I have to write about Aurora. I have to write about how I am supposed to be giving birth this week to Baby Blue. I have to write about not seeing my mom in 10 years. I have to write about this being the shittiest week every year. But I can't. It's not all shit. My niece is 12 years old tomorrow. It's my mother in laws birthday today. In the midst of all the shit there are two absolutely wonderful days worth celebrating. I see a lesson in that. No matter how shitty things are just find a reason to celebrate life.

I can't believe at this time exactly last year I was pregnant. It was around this time my daughter was charging into the world and I really didn't even know it. That beautiful little fighter just couldn't wait to get here. Even after she came out she still fought and fought fiercely. This year without her here has been challenging to say the least. But she taught me to fight fiercely. To feel all the emotions. A very stark contrast to when I lost my mom.

When I lost my mom I had a hard time believing that this was my life now. A life without the woman I loved the most in the world. I spiraled out of control. Those who know me...and knew me back then...my head just wasn't right. I could not handle her being gone. I thought I needed to take care of everything and everyone. And I was wrong. I should have taken care of myself. Because I didn't take care of myself I did more harm than good. I got resentful, angry, bitter, etc.  It was nobody's fault but my own. It was my grief. A grief that I became well accustomed to.

I've learned a lot in 10 years. I learned a lot in a year. I felt like I would never heal after my mom. I did. I thought I would never stop crying myself to sleep after Aurora. But I did. I thought I could never lose another baby and handle it. But I did. I'm not saying this for you all to think...oh what a fighter she is. Oh Lea is so strong. Oh I could never do that. I'm not saying this for recognition or for glory. There is absolutely no glory in grief. I'm saying this because what I learned is to reach out. I found a community founded on the worst thing ever. The loss of a child. I'm part of a baby loss group on facebook. A group of women who have lost children. It's a place for us to vent and to find strength from others who know exactly how each other feels. I follow Still Standing Magazine and Carly Marie and gain strength knowing I am not alone. I talk about my daughter and I make sure everyone remembers she was on this Earth. The more I talk about my loss the more I find out about others and their loss. Miscarriage and baby loss is strangely a very common thing. It happens to more people than you would like to think. Something that seems like it would be a normal and easy thing like bringing a child into the world really isn't that simple.

I've lost my innocence. I always knew I could possibly lose a child to miscarriage. I never dreamt of losing one at 21 weeks. So when Baby Blue was gone I almost expected it to happen. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt  I was just jaded and knew it could and it did. Baby Blue came at the right time and was there for a reason. I was pregnant with Baby Blue on Aurora's due date. A date that probably would have not been a good one for me on my own. But I was ok because I had a little bean inside me. I lost Baby Blue shortly after that.

After you lose a baby you feel like you've taken a trip to crazy town with emotions. Feelings that in my head I should rationally not be feeling but my heart hurt so much. I couldn't walk in the baby section of anywhere anymore. I couldn't stand the sight of diapers/nappies. Or bottles. Or cute little baby clothes. I've found myself becoming jealous of other women who were having perfectly healthy pregnancies. It seemed like every one and their mothers was pregnant but me. I went home to see my family after Aurora. My brother had news for me but couldn't find the way to tell me because he knew I'd feel the exact way I ended up feeling. My brother and future sister in law were having a baby. When I found out I can't believe the way I reacted. I couldn't believe I didn't cry with joy. Or jump up and give my brother and her a hug. I just sat there stunned and I think...well I hope I said congratulations. Looking back I was jealous and hurting and I was being selfish. But really...I'm not alone. All women who have lost a baby or can't have one have these feelings. I'm much better now. I found a way to be happy for other women so now I don't feel like a piece of shit for feeling the way I did when I saw them having everything I wanted. Everything that was stolen away from me.

 I wanted to know the progress of my nephew. I wanted to see belly pictures and scan pictures. I wanted to be involved and happy. But part of me always got upset. Mostly because I was being such a selfish asshole. I just wanted to be happy for them. I was just so happy she was healthy. That Bruce was healthy. I just focused on that and tried to push my feelings away. It wasn't until the day my brother sent me the picture of him and his son together that I finally felt the way I should feel about it. My eyes filled with tears and my heart was jumping for joy. Exactly the way I should have reacted when he told me he was going to be a dad. I'm so proud of my brother and Stephanie. I'm so proud of that strong little man. I am so proud to be his auntie.

I guess this year has just been me dealing with my grief. I get so lost in my own that I don't even realize my husband is grieving too. I'm so open and will just cry out of nowhere. In my grief I told him he didn't understand how I felt. It's because he's just so much harder than me. He holds it together so well. I thought he was doing it because he wanted to be strong for me. But I don't think he is. I think he's being strong for himself. I think it hurts too bad. Again I was being an asshole in my grief and thought my grief was worse than his because it's my body that failed our babies. I thought it was my fault and so that had to have made my grief worse than his. It's not. It's the same but different. And it only makes us hold on to each other tighter. I knew Alex was forever. I knew I'd love him until the day I died and probably after and into a next life until the end of time. Our baby girl and our baby blue made and even stronger couple for their future siblings.

I feel like I've been rambling. I guess I'll end it here with a Happy Birthday Aurora!

Live, Love, Laugh. It'll get you through it all.

This is part of our story...

It's obviously been awhile since I posted.

Holy shit...how much has happened? I moved...I got a job...I visited home...I lost my job...Alex got a job...I  got pregnant...and then my world got flipped upside down.

It hasn't even been a week since I gave birth. It's been exactly 4 days since I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl Aurora Dawn.

I'm a mother with out a child. I'm a mother who goes to sleep not having to feed her child, change her child...take care of her child.

I was 21 weeks 1 day along and it all just blew up into a thousand little pieces. In hindsight...it was happening for awhile...I just didn't know it yet. Pains I thought were normal turned out to be so not normal. It's things like this I think about and it's things like this that make me place blame upon myself. It wasn't until it became unbearable...naked in a bath tub that I realized...holy shit...whatever I am going through right now isn't normal.

It was 5:40 pm....Alex was due home any moment. I got out of the bath and tried to make it upstairs with out dying...I then got upstairs. Laid on the bed and was crying. It felt horrible. The only thing I could think of was to go back down stairs to the toilet and sit on it. All of a sudden I felt something. My heart dropped and there she was....sitting in my hands. Breathing. Moving her mouth and furrowing her brow. I sat there with her in my hands. I knew she was too early. I knew there was something wrong. I knew there was nothing I could do but hold her. Stare at her. Feel totally helpless and let the five minutes tick down until I knew Alex would be home.

I heard the door slam. All I could remember was screaming his name. After that...all I could remember was seeing his face as he walked through the bathroom door. A sudden look of a disbelief....a sudden look of sadness...

He was a rock. I was a rock. There was no panic. There was just elements of shock. After he walked in first thing out of my mouth was...you need to call an ambulance. I knew she wasn't going to survive. I knew it was all over. I knew I had to go to the hospital. He called....he listened to every word and did everything they said for him to do. He got a clean towel. He instructed me to rub her back and I knew. I just knew that whatever I did wasn't going to fix what had happened. I knew the outcome was going to be us losing our child.

The ambulance came. The guy showed up. He gave me a smile....how do you NOT smile when someone shows up smiling? I was holding her in a towel and by the time he showed up...she was definitely gone. This is what made it look like a still birth. She was not dead when I gave birth to her. She was most certainly alive and Alex and I were the only people to see her alive.

I sat on the bathroom floor...two more paramedics showed up. One was a woman....she sat next to me...put her arm around me...and because she was a woman...it was like...she must know what the hell I am going through. I had to sit on the bathroom floor....they gave me gas and air...and I had to deliver my baby's placenta. It was an eternity. Because of the stupid gas and air I felt sick. I felt dizzy. At one point...I asked the paramedic if I was going to die. It was that much blood pouring out of me...and it was that much of me that didn't even want to live with out my baby.

Finally it happened. I delivered everything I was supposed to. They wrapped me up in blankets and took me down the stairs. Everything was in upheaval. Everything was fucked up. I was getting put into an ambulance with my niece outside.....neighbors wondering why the hell they couldn't get passed an ambulance. I was in all my glory...nothing but a Dave Matthews sweatshirt and a blanket to cover me. The silver Mercedes had the nerve to ask when we were gonna move as well...if you are reading this and know the silver Mercedes please let me know. Because the next time I menstruate I swear to god it is going on their fucking car.

We were called "stoic" in the hospital. We smiled. We laughed. We kept each other sane. At this point...we had NO idea what had just happened to us. Alex stayed strong for me. I don't even know how he did it.

They left her with us. They brought us a cold cot that would make it so she would be able to stay with us all night. The minutes ticked on and on and on in that hospital. It was 1am before I knew it. Alex pulled out the sofa bed and got hunkered down for the night. I couldn't sleep. I finally slept when I moved from my bed to his at 4:30 am. We slept on a crappy ass sofa bed. But we slept a bit.

The next morning we were informed we wouldn't be leaving until 2pm...when the people could come in and do a post mortem. 24 hours ago I was thinking about getting my 20 week scan....and now I am planning on how she will be taken care of...because she was dead.

We spent all day....watching movies...trying to laugh....but all the while having this lurking, impending doom. Once the midwife came in to tell us the people who were doing the post mortem were here...Alex lost it. I was losing it all night but finally...Alex lost it. It was there and then I knew neither of us would be the same. We made decisions as to what we thought was right for us and Aurora. We cried a lot. And we got the go ahead to go home. While we waited for his sister we just sat looking at her. We kept crying with the knowledge that as soon as we got a text message from his sister...we were going to have to leave Aurora and all we would have left is foot prints, hand prints and a few pictures of our beautiful baby girl. It was too much. Too much to the point where I said right....she'll be here any minute. Lets do it now. We kissed her little forehead a few times. Held each other, walked out hand in hand and let our baby go together.

I can't explain the feeling of watching the full term mamas walking passed me and Alex as we were grieving. Or the look on the couples face as they carried their twins out of the hospital. Or the stares we got when anybody walked passed us as they walked out of the hospital.

It was our nieces birthday. We got home....cleaned ourselves up...and did our best to not ruin her birthday. She was amazing. I thought my sadness would ruin her day...that she might not understand how bad I was hurting...but in one moment I knew my 11 year old niece was practically a grown up. She put her arm around me when she knew I was sad. She stayed so strong because she knew I was weak. I can't explain the love I have for that "little" girl.

That night was rough. I fell asleep at 11...woke up at 4:30. Woke my husband up crying at 5:30 and we talked til we passed out at 6:30. I finally woke up and realized it was 1:30pm. It wasn't a dream...it was real...and I didn't have my baby. I cried.

We decided we needed to get away. We never left the city. We just got away. I'm a weird with grief. I smile while others cry. I stay strong when others are weak. I never think of me first. I think of everyone else. This time I grieved first. I got away when I was weak. I let myself start to heal before I dealt with others. I could NOT have done this with out Alex. He's so amazing. I'm so much more in love with him than I ever could be. This whole weekend has been totally losing it....or totally keeping it together. Nothing in between. I'm grateful he knows me so well. I'm grateful he knows the right things to say. I'm grateful he smiles at me through my tears and makes me feel like it will all be ok.

If we learned anything from this is this...that our second child is going to be loved. It is going to be loved fiercely. It is going to fill our lives with joy and we're gonna make Aurora a big sister. We learned how much we wanted to be parents and it only took one day to cement that feeling.

If you are reading this...and if it upsets you...I'm sorry. I had to write this out because it's Aurora's story. It's her less than 10 minutes this side of my womb. This has changed us forever. It's part of our journey. We're parents with out a child. This is part of our story.

So this is what it feels like....I've been wondering when it was going to hit me

It has been brought to my attention several times today how much I am going to miss my family.

I was sitting with my brother....when out of nowhere tears started to sprout out of my eyelids. I covered it up and walked away for a second. The only thing I could think to do was blog.

I had a really good day today. It was with the people I love the most on this Earth. There is nothing in this or any other lifetime I wouldn't do for them. Without them I would never have gotten through losing my mom. I can count on them for understanding, love, and most of all....the ability to bring humor to any situation.

I could rattle off all the things I am going to miss about them. I could rattle off the countless other things I won't miss about them.

I'm obviously not going to do that. I am going to say that I will miss them every day. Absolutely every day I breathe while I am away from them I will miss the absolute crap out of them.

I feel so happy to have a family like the one I have. I feel so grateful to have them. I'm so excited to "leave the nest". They are so supportive and it's going so smoothly...I know it is time. I just feel so damn sad and it just decided to hit me after a wonderful day out with my family.

I think I have been okay because I know they are going to be in Ireland two weeks after I get to England. We have had this Ireland trip planned for awhile now and I just always look to that. I don't even want to know what my emotions will be like after Dublin. I don't even want to know....because just thinking about it gives me anxiety and brings me to tears.

Tonight I realized that this week coming up will be a lot of goodbyes. I'm selling my truck Monday. Every time I look at it I almost cry. I love that truck. Lots of fun times. I have a good bye party tomorrow where I say good bye to my extended family. That's going to be cry fest 2012. Every week I meet up with the ladies and we hang out. I have to say good bye there too. I have to say good bye to my best friend of 25 years at the airport (because she insists). Good bye, good bye, good bye....to everything.

I know it's not forever. I know I will see everyone again. I know by moving to another country my eyes will be opened. I'll love having a place of my own and I will love being there. I just fucking hate change. It's apparent in the fact that I have pretty much done a variation or something similar of the same thing for the last 12 years. I got sick of people asking me what was new and I had nothing new to say. I found myself repeating "same shit, different day" over and over and over again. I knew this day was coming. I wanted this day to come. I've thought about this day. Wondered what it would be like and now it is here....

You are actually leaving. You are moving. In a week I will be sitting around a fire in the back yard with the people I love. It will be my last night living in my house. I'm totally tripping. 

You know, five years ago, this couldn't come soon enough. I was so frustrated because I couldn't get us moving and out of the house. Now I'm barreling towards it like a bullet train. Just slow down please. Just a little. I want 7 really long days. Really good long days with friends and family. I don't want to write this blog, post it, and then blink and have me standing in LAX.

Yes...that is how fast my life has been going lately.

My emotions are going to EXPLODE

How do I explain this the right way so that maybe you can kind of understand where I am coming from?

These past few weeks, as the day draws near for me to leave...I've noticed some things. 

First of all...I want to talk about the Disneyland trip I took last night. Never could I have picked a better group to go with to my last Disneyland trip for awhile (contrary to popular belief on facebook...I'm not dying and I will be back to enjoy Disneyland. Ahemmmm. Dramatic Jennifer Pratt).

I was so antsy all day to go. I was itching to be hanging out with those girls. I might have been twitching. I seriously put the mouse ears on a hundred times sitting at my desk. I probably got barely anything done too. Oh well...the business is still running right? Right. 

So we all meet up and we are on our way there and all of a sudden I get hit with a tear bomb. Like boom. Explosion. Jenny and Annie AND Mama Hobbs (aka Annie's mama) had all recorded something for me. They had hooked it up to the car and I could hear it on the speakers. Technology rocks. It started off with Annie talking about where she met me...of course saying some of the sweetest things ever...and then she sang me a song. It was beautiful. I had misted up but I'm not into the whole "sissy girl crying thing". I mean...don't get me wrong...I do it...but I like to think I have some balls. 

Then mama Hobbs came on and said some more sweet things. I mean seriously. That seriously was almost leaky tear duct time. She sang me a song too. Melt my heart. She's probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. In the absence of my mom I find comfort that my friends mom's do so well making me feel loved like I am their own. 

Then Jenny came on...as always...she was able to get me to laugh with her Jenny charm. No one makes me giggle like that. Ever. 

I was thinking about this all night last night. I had such a great time with my friends. I mean seriously (I have been saying seriously a lot in this post). I couldn't even ask for better friends. I'm starting to wonder if I will have close friends like this over in England. My anxiety level totally went up about 10 fold last night. 

I have facebook....I'm very regular on it. I will still have these close friendships but will only be able to see them when I am on vacation. I imagine that the distance will only make the times I see them better...but somehow I know this is what is going to make me homesick.

I have noticed that a lot of things get left up to me...."well you are leaving....so what do you want to do?"

It's awesome that I have friends like this. Friends that want me to experience all the things I am going to miss. Mostly the friends that have made an effort to go with me places. To experience the cool things I have been able to experience here. The ones that put their desire to do certain things on the back burner so I can fulfill the ones I want to do. 

Jenny has been awesome at this. She has made a list of things we needed to do before I leave. We've done just about all of them. I have had so much fun with her. My best friend is the BEST best friend I could EVER have. I'll never  have another one like her and thank god for skype. This way we can be ridiculous with each other no matter where we are on the globe. 

My dad has also made me cry quite a few times (I guess I made him cry too...but he will tell you it a bug in his eye). I don't know what it is about my daddy but he's the hardest one to leave. It's not like I don't think he will be taken care of...and it's not like I worry for him at all...not even in the slightest (maybe lose a few pounds while I'm gone so you can move around a bit better...ok, dad?). But my dad is probably one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet. He's very chilled out...he rarely puts his two cents in about the decisions I make...and he isn't over bearing and the tell you what to do type person. My dad is not only my dad...but has become a good friend. Someone I always enjoy being around. I know I will get homesick when I am sat in England on a Saturday or Sunday drinking a cup of coffee and reading the news or having breakfast. I like being able to walk out of my room and see my dad camped out at the kitchen counter with his coffee. I won't be able to do that and just thinking about it hurts my heart. I won't be able to make dinner for him either. Or to just get a hug from my one remaining parent. Again...my heart hurts just thinking about it. 

I just teared up writing that...Alex walked in and asked what was the matter with me. I of course told him I have something in my eye (I suppose like father, like daughter). Then we started talking more and waterworks just came. He's been really good and understanding about this whole thing. He knows me VERY well now and he expected this. He gives me a hug and it feels better. All I really need to survive is him. He's everything and that's why we are doing this. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm a bundle of emotions right now. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know keeping myself from crying is probably not the best thing. But I can't go the next 23 days crying and thinking about how I am going to say good bye to everyone. I can't go the next 23 days wondering if I think I am going to be happy in England....and really be miserable. I'm so nervous I can't even stand it. I know I am making the right move. I know it. But there's always a little nagging at the back of my mind. I like to be prepared for my emotions. Never. Going. To. Happen. 

Alex told  me that when I say good bye to Erin, Mike, and Dad in Dublin...that's going to be the worst part for me ever. I again started crying thinking about it. I will have to say good bye to my sister and wait 11 months til I see her again. I have to watch her take the reigns at Star West and worry if I set her up the right way to do this stuff. She's so smart and so funny and such a joy to be around and I  have no clue how it's going to be with out her with me every day. 

My brother isn't going to be a picnic to leave either.  I feel so blessed to be so close to my brother and sister. They are the best room mates I could have ever envisioned living with this long. They are also some of my closest and dearest friends. I know I have always loved them. I know from the minute I met them they were my babies too (obviously not literally my babies but they will always be baby brother and baby sister). When we lost our mom I just wanted to take care of them. Those two are the only ones who know what I am feeling when it comes to my mom. The only people in the world who know exactly who I am because they have known me their whole lives and I them. I have been told that when I leave...the house will be much quieter. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I know we all need to move on from this house at some point. I know we need to be separated to learn and grow more. This close and tight knit family unit we have built is going to be another thing that makes me homesick. 

I've never been homesick so I'm wondering what it feels like. It drives me mad not knowing how I am going to feel...if I am going to like where I live...if I will have close friends like I have here....how much I am going to cry when I say good bye to my family...I suppose these are all good things. People do this every day. They grow up...move on....and have a family life that is completely their own. I think the thing I struggle with the most is cutting the cord. I'm so attached to my family and love them so dearly I can't imagine not being in the next room if they need me...or if I need them. 

I'm a mess. In a good way...I think.... 

Susie Miss Always Changes Her Mind

As soon as I uttered the words I wondered what in the hell was wrong with me.

I have been packing up my whole life. I've read my old journals. One day my kid is going to read those and think of what a hot mess I was in my adolescent years. Oh the love and the angst that pours out in those journals are sure to be a good read for anyone who ends up finding them and reading my deepest darkest thoughts.

One of the journals I found was a journal my mom originally gave to my dad. He never wrote in it. She gave it to me. On the front it has a map. I've always been obsessed with maps and being anywhere but where I am. The cover of the journal has a huge star on top of Europe. Since I can remember it has been my mission to see it all. It even says in my kiddie writing I want to travel all over "Euroupe". Yes...that is how I spelled it. LOL.

After reading through and pondering my life I started to wonder if I wanted kids as soon as I said I wanted them. This whole time I've been thinking we would get to England. Alex would get a job. We'd get our own house and then the babies would come. Hell...I've been telling everyone that after April 2013 we are going to start trying.

Alex and I were in the car today and I told him I was thinking about holding off on kids. For Alex, he doesn't care if we have them or not. It's not that he doesn't want them...he's just not a woman and thinks incessantly about them like me. I want to hold off on kids because I want to travel. I want to travel A LOT. I want to go to the places that I don't want to take my kids to. Sure I could take them every where with me. And I'm sure it would be a lot of fun. But can I go wine tasting in Spain with a baby in tow? Could I go and galavant around Paris...drink wine in a cafe...OD on cheese and croissants and have a blissful time like I imagined with a kid with me? Could I go to Oktoberfest and drink copious amounts of beer and get so sick on sausages that I ralph? How about that white sandy beach vacation I have planned in Fiji? A quiet long weekend in the Alps? This could take years to do all these things. My uterus doesn't have years. It could possibly go on for 10 more years but then...do I really want a baby at 40? My energy level is already lower than it used to be. At 40...I imagine I'd be struggling to keep up with them.

The awesome thing about my mom was that she was so young when she had us. She was always so playful and we were always doing tons of fun things with her. She didn't seem to mind that she never left the country. She didn't seem to mind that she never got to go to Italy like she dreamed about. She told me once that the only thing she ever wanted was her own house (she got that), 3 kids (she got that), and to own her own business (she got that as well). I can't imagine only wanting those three things and being satisfied with that. Although I share the same sentiments... I've always wanted my own house and kids...and lately I keep formulating my own business in my mind. I must be a lot more like my mom than I thought.

I suppose there is never the perfect time to have kids. Everyone keeps telling me that. But I don't want to miss key alone time moments with my husband. I mean seriously...for 5 years of our married life...we've been sharing a house with 3 other people. The past 2 years we have been sharing it with 4 other people. When we move to England we will have more privacy. We will get some alone time. But I want alone time vacationing with my husband.

The only way for me to settle this is to let fate decide. I'm still going to start trying to have kids in April. If they come along right away then that's just great. If they don't come along right away...I will take it as a sign and go and do some travelling. I can wine taste with a baby strapped to my chest. I can oktoberfest when they are older. I can go to Fiji and leave the kid with their Gran or their Auntie. My kids are going to travel and travel lots.

I've noticed that you don't really plan your life. It's been kinda planned for you. Some of you may think this is insane but I honestly believe that things happen the way they happen for a reason. I've learned this even more so in the time leading up to the move. When everything falls into place...it's right. So if the job comes for Alex....the house comes....and then a baby....it's meant to be. For now...I think I might just let go of my crazy need to plan and control it all and just go with the flow. Whatcha got for me fate?

My great expectations

I'm almost sure it's not going to be anything like expect it to be. I'm actually banking on it. 


I suppose I should say what I expect it is going to be like before I go. This way I can look back and be like...honey...you didn't have a clue...or maybe I did...who knows? I guess we will find out. 


*I expect to be walking or taking a bus every where. I know we are only going to have one car and me on the other side of the road right off the bat is NOT going to fly.


*I expect to not be doing anything work related (besides design work) for at least 6 months if not more. I also suspect I might actually miss Star West and working with my crew. 


*I expect to miss my food here. Especially Mexican.


*I expect to make lots of friends. (After the blog I read though...it seems to me that English women do not warm to Americans as well as I thought they would) This could be quite different than what I read in the "She's not from Yorkshire" blog. Village life could be entirely different. 


*I expect to feel like I am on vacation. Then...like a time bomb...it will hit me that I am no longer on vacation and I actually live there. I expect to be ridiculously California homesick. Especially in winter. I also expect to be homesick on Thanksgiving. I expect to miss every person I spend so much time with here. 


*I expect to be on my own for a great deal of time while Alex is working. I expect my midget sister to take good care of me and keep me occupied with my nieces. 


*I expect care packages from my dad. He knows what's up. I'll get all kinds of goodies. I'm hoping I don't miss a thing because of this.


*I expect to be freezing. I expect little light in winter and ample light in summer.


*I expect that I will be happy. I expect that I will grow and learn with this new adventure. I expect nothing more from broadening my horizons. 


*I expect that my husband will be all the comfort and security I could possibly need in his country as he did with me. 


*I expect to have a house and start on a kid by the end of April 2013. 


*I expect to travel all around Europe. Not right away obviously...but over time...the point is to see it all. 


*I expect Alex to want to eat tea at his mom's house a couple of nights a week and completely abandon me on Sundays to go to his auntie Min's for some alone time.




I'll come back with more I am sure. This great expectations post is a work in progress. 

The promise wasn't really to her so much as it was a promise to me...

How did it go from 8 months to almost 11 weeks?

SQUEALS!

I have been getting my stuff together here at Star West. I'm not as nervous about leaving it anymore. I don't feel too much stress in this department...I'm not sure what changed.

With my computer going out I suppose that might have been a nice fire to light under my ass. It made me unable to enter orders normally or  to digitize any of the designs that came in. It only left me with a few options and hyper organizational mode set in. (Obviously not happening now...I'm blogging...haha)

My sister is going to replace me. I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am about this. I think she will do a really fantastic job. I'm pretty sure that once she gets the hang of it...she will be better than me. I am in the middle of organizing and making manuals. I'm removing all my stuff from the office. I'm actually having fun being here. Is it because the end is in sight and ultimately I'm going to miss this job?

I've learned a lot from Star West in the past 11 and a half years that I have been here. For the last 7 of them Star West has been a constant in my head. I don't know why I felt it was important to promise my mom that I would never let her hard work at Star West go to waste. I don't even know why I felt it was important to keep that promise. I don't think she would care either way. I suppose I could have left right after she died.

I'm glad I didn't. I stuck around. I got to work with my family with out my mom. I had to learn to deal with them on my own. I had to learn how to make patterns. I had  to run out and do deliveries. I had to learn how to work full time....go to school...and still find time for a social life. I had to learn how to have a new boss and take what experience I had and give it to him. I learned that it is not easy having your own business at all (thankfully it's not mine). It's a struggle and you have to work VERY hard to keep it going. Especially in this economy. I had to learn how to digitize. How to become an accountant...I had to learn to manage the whole thing. All by myself. Which is what is happening now. My boss is out every day. I'm here. My crew and I are Star West.

Star West made me more confident in myself and my decisions. Star West taught me a bunch of things I never knew I would learn. I know I am going to leave this place knowing I have done everything in my power to make Star West what it is today. It's miles better than it used to be. I have blood, sweat, and tears in this thing (literally). I promised my mom her hard work wouldn't go to waste. What I really think I ended up promising myself was the chance to grow up and learn some crucial life lessons.

My gramma and I were chatting the other day about leaving. She was talking about a going away party and how we were going to have a brunch or something before we left. I told her I know I'm probably going to be crying the whole time. She told me that I could not cry as much as her when she left Chicago. She said everyone made her cry. She was crying on the plane. She was crying when she got off the plane.

She informed me that she was very attached to her mom. She said it took her mom dying for her to grow up. I looked at her and for what seemed like the first time in a long time we absolutely understood each other. We knew exactly how the other one was feeling.

I don't want a going away party...I don't want to cry. Maybe I won't. I want this move to feel like I've left on a vacation. A VERY long vacation. I want to feel like I bought a vacation house. I want to have a baby on vacation (LOL). I'm very excited for this period in my life.

I suppose I can't mention the move with out talking about my husband. Obviously he is the only reason why I would move to England. People ask me why I'm moving there.... Why on earth would you leave Cali for England? I think we can all agree that Cali is amazing weather wise. The food isn't shabby either. It's the cost of living that sucks the damn life out of you. People could probably argue that it would be the same in England. But I think what's different is the different pace of life that I'm looking forward to.

I'm going to push the little minute details out of the way and let you know for real why I'm moving there.

I met my husband in a pub. There was a connection for sure (obviously). One of the nights I looked at him right in the eyes and I barely knew him...didn't know anything really about him except he was Alex...he had no hair...and he was English...and I saw him in the pub...A LOT hahah...I knew there was something about him. I'm telling you...it sure as hell felt like love at first sight. The last night I was there I cried because I didn't want to leave him. He asked me to stay.

Obviously I was right. It was special. Special enough for me to marry him. Special enough for him to give up his life in England for 5 years. He sold his beloved car for me. He left his niece and missed the other one being born for me. He's missed his family for me. He sat at home for 4 years doing the dishes, the laundry, cleaning up...for me. All because I couldn't let Star West go. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm not going to pretend like he doesn't drive me nuts though and wish for a shot gun to the head daily. hahaha.

I don't worry about moving over there because I know we will take care of each other. I don't worry about any of it...mostly because we have lived as a married couple for 5 years amongst my family and the things I am comfortable with. We have fought. We have laughed. There were times I wasn't too sure we'd hang on as well as we did. I'm so glad things didn't work out the way I thought they would. Otherwise...they wouldn't be what they are.

I'm happy, I'm in love, and I'm about to go on the biggest adventure of my life.