These past few weeks, as the day draws near for me to leave...I've noticed some things.
First of all...I want to talk about the Disneyland trip I took last night. Never could I have picked a better group to go with to my last Disneyland trip for awhile (contrary to popular belief on facebook...I'm not dying and I will be back to enjoy Disneyland. Ahemmmm. Dramatic Jennifer Pratt).
I was so antsy all day to go. I was itching to be hanging out with those girls. I might have been twitching. I seriously put the mouse ears on a hundred times sitting at my desk. I probably got barely anything done too. Oh well...the business is still running right? Right.
So we all meet up and we are on our way there and all of a sudden I get hit with a tear bomb. Like boom. Explosion. Jenny and Annie AND Mama Hobbs (aka Annie's mama) had all recorded something for me. They had hooked it up to the car and I could hear it on the speakers. Technology rocks. It started off with Annie talking about where she met me...of course saying some of the sweetest things ever...and then she sang me a song. It was beautiful. I had misted up but I'm not into the whole "sissy girl crying thing". I mean...don't get me wrong...I do it...but I like to think I have some balls.
Then mama Hobbs came on and said some more sweet things. I mean seriously. That seriously was almost leaky tear duct time. She sang me a song too. Melt my heart. She's probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. In the absence of my mom I find comfort that my friends mom's do so well making me feel loved like I am their own.
Then Jenny came on...as always...she was able to get me to laugh with her Jenny charm. No one makes me giggle like that. Ever.
I was thinking about this all night last night. I had such a great time with my friends. I mean seriously (I have been saying seriously a lot in this post). I couldn't even ask for better friends. I'm starting to wonder if I will have close friends like this over in England. My anxiety level totally went up about 10 fold last night.
I have facebook....I'm very regular on it. I will still have these close friendships but will only be able to see them when I am on vacation. I imagine that the distance will only make the times I see them better...but somehow I know this is what is going to make me homesick.
I have noticed that a lot of things get left up to me...."well you are leaving....so what do you want to do?"
It's awesome that I have friends like this. Friends that want me to experience all the things I am going to miss. Mostly the friends that have made an effort to go with me places. To experience the cool things I have been able to experience here. The ones that put their desire to do certain things on the back burner so I can fulfill the ones I want to do.
Jenny has been awesome at this. She has made a list of things we needed to do before I leave. We've done just about all of them. I have had so much fun with her. My best friend is the BEST best friend I could EVER have. I'll never have another one like her and thank god for skype. This way we can be ridiculous with each other no matter where we are on the globe.
My dad has also made me cry quite a few times (I guess I made him cry too...but he will tell you it a bug in his eye). I don't know what it is about my daddy but he's the hardest one to leave. It's not like I don't think he will be taken care of...and it's not like I worry for him at all...not even in the slightest (maybe lose a few pounds while I'm gone so you can move around a bit better...ok, dad?). But my dad is probably one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet. He's very chilled out...he rarely puts his two cents in about the decisions I make...and he isn't over bearing and the tell you what to do type person. My dad is not only my dad...but has become a good friend. Someone I always enjoy being around. I know I will get homesick when I am sat in England on a Saturday or Sunday drinking a cup of coffee and reading the news or having breakfast. I like being able to walk out of my room and see my dad camped out at the kitchen counter with his coffee. I won't be able to do that and just thinking about it hurts my heart. I won't be able to make dinner for him either. Or to just get a hug from my one remaining parent. Again...my heart hurts just thinking about it.
I just teared up writing that...Alex walked in and asked what was the matter with me. I of course told him I have something in my eye (I suppose like father, like daughter). Then we started talking more and waterworks just came. He's been really good and understanding about this whole thing. He knows me VERY well now and he expected this. He gives me a hug and it feels better. All I really need to survive is him. He's everything and that's why we are doing this.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm a bundle of emotions right now. I don't even know how to deal with it. I know keeping myself from crying is probably not the best thing. But I can't go the next 23 days crying and thinking about how I am going to say good bye to everyone. I can't go the next 23 days wondering if I think I am going to be happy in England....and really be miserable. I'm so nervous I can't even stand it. I know I am making the right move. I know it. But there's always a little nagging at the back of my mind. I like to be prepared for my emotions. Never. Going. To. Happen.
Alex told me that when I say good bye to Erin, Mike, and Dad in Dublin...that's going to be the worst part for me ever. I again started crying thinking about it. I will have to say good bye to my sister and wait 11 months til I see her again. I have to watch her take the reigns at Star West and worry if I set her up the right way to do this stuff. She's so smart and so funny and such a joy to be around and I have no clue how it's going to be with out her with me every day.
My brother isn't going to be a picnic to leave either. I feel so blessed to be so close to my brother and sister. They are the best room mates I could have ever envisioned living with this long. They are also some of my closest and dearest friends. I know I have always loved them. I know from the minute I met them they were my babies too (obviously not literally my babies but they will always be baby brother and baby sister). When we lost our mom I just wanted to take care of them. Those two are the only ones who know what I am feeling when it comes to my mom. The only people in the world who know exactly who I am because they have known me their whole lives and I them. I have been told that when I leave...the house will be much quieter. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. I know we all need to move on from this house at some point. I know we need to be separated to learn and grow more. This close and tight knit family unit we have built is going to be another thing that makes me homesick.
I've never been homesick so I'm wondering what it feels like. It drives me mad not knowing how I am going to feel...if I am going to like where I live...if I will have close friends like I have here....how much I am going to cry when I say good bye to my family...I suppose these are all good things. People do this every day. They grow up...move on....and have a family life that is completely their own. I think the thing I struggle with the most is cutting the cord. I'm so attached to my family and love them so dearly I can't imagine not being in the next room if they need me...or if I need them.
I'm a mess. In a good way...I think....
