Ever since last week when I announced that it was 15 weeks until D-Day (Departure Day) I have been thoroughly tripping.
Not only do I have an active countdown now....but I actually have to come to terms with leaving everything I know. I've seen plenty of people do it....but now...at 29 years of age...I feel like 5 year old...part of me just wants to sit in a corner with my thumb in my mouth and cuddle my blankie until this is all over.
I know people who have left their families and moved to an entirely different country. I got people on my Facebook in Spain, England, and Sweden. I have people moseying around the globe and experiencing what Earth has to offer. I've seen these people have babies and watch their life grow in other countries. I know it can be done...
Why am I having such a hard time with this? I don't even want a going away party for fear I might be a total wreck through the whole thing. I don't know why I am acting like its the early 1900's....like I can't ever see my family again once I make the move to another country. I come from a long line of migratory people. My great gramma was from Luxembourg. She moved here with her sister and NEVER went back to see her family. My gramma Mitzi left Japan and traveled around the globe with her family (and hasn't gone back for a visit in years). Most of my family doesn't even live in the same state as they started out in. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?
I think it might be the fact that I thought I would never move any place else. I envisioned moseying around the globe and finding new and different spots. I envisioned visiting....never moving. I always thought I would live in California...be close to my family....have my children grow up with my brother and sisters children. I always thought I would spend holidays with them. I always thought my life would be so much different than it is. It's not a bad thing...it's just a life lesson...don't expect it to be one way...it won't...it will be better.
Moving to England has been the plan....it's been the plan since I met Alex over 7 years ago. Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to see what our family turns out like. I'm excited to see what my first house will look like. I'm excited to watch my nieces grow up and be there for more moments and try to make up for the ones I missed. I'm excited. But I am SCARED AS HELL.
I don't want to miss anybody. I don't want to feel sad when there is a moment I want to be around them and I can't. It's going to happen at one point. I'm not looking forward to it.
This is only going to make me a stronger person. And it's not like I don't already have plans to come back and visit less than a year later. I get to come home and it gets to be a vacation.
It's not like my brother or sister or Dad or anybody else won't come out and visit me. It's not like we can't meet in some totally different country and have adventures there. So I will say this again....WHY IS THIS SO HARD? Is it because I got a lot of shit to do before I go? Is it because I might actually miss being at work? Is it because I have some kind of a plan....but not really a plan? What is it about this? I've never wanted to do something so bad in my life but not want to do it just as bad.
Alex tells me it won't be so bad. It will feel like a vacation and not a move. He thinks I will be too interested in everything that is going on around me and all the places I get to explore that I won't even have time to realize I moved.
I hope he is right....we will see.
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